Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)
--Juvenal
W.House Asks Anyone with Leak Info to Come Forward
Wed October 1, 2003 04:26 PM ET
By Steve Holland
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The White House said on Wednesday that anyone with information about a leak that blew the cover of a CIA officer, whose husband is an Iraq war critic, should report it to the Justice Department for criminal investigation.
White House officials, resigned to an embarrassing probe as part of the fallout over the Iraq war, looked through computer files and phone logs for any relevant information.
The Justice Department is investigating whether someone at the White House or CIA disclosed the identity of Valerie Plame, a CIA operative whose husband, a former U.S. diplomat in Iraq, Joseph Wilson, challenged President Bush's claims about Iraq's weapons threat. Revealing classified information is a federal crime punishable by up to 10 years in prison.
In addition to information on illegal leaks to the Press, the President has asked his staff to ransack their offices for evidence of illegal programs to develop weapons of mass destruction, caches of illegal drugs, and/or counterfeit credit cards. He also asked them to be alert for signs of jury tampering, machinery for making fake IDs for college students, undeclared barrels of toxic waste, and any of the seven deadly sins.
Early reports indicate that no White House staff had uncovered evidence of criminal activity on their own parts. "We have discovered evidence of extreme patriotism, of courage, decency, and a sincere acceptance of Jesus Christ as our personal savior, but no signs of any misdeeds," said White House Spokesman Scot McClellan.
Democrats were skeptical. "I'm not convinced," said former White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta. "Did they check underneath the desk blotters and behind the file cabinets? When I was there we were always finding sloth and gluttony behind the fax machine stands, and we once found a crystal meth lab inside someone's credenza."
Nonetheless, Republicans insist that the results were definitive. "if there were any kind of leaking, story-planting, or political huggery-muggery going on around here, it would stand out like a sore thumb," said one. "Normally we just spend all day attending to the people's business."
Asked how any group of people in the political arena could be so modest, wholesome, law-abiding, diligent, and trustworthy, Republican spokesman Becht L. Halliburton said "Lots of red meat, Budweiser beer, and ESPN-based bible-study."
Update: From the C-SPAN rebroadcast of the White House Press Conference today:
Asked by the media if Ambassador Wilson's "partisan" leanings cast doubt on the validity of his report, White House Spokesman McClellan "It's not my job to speculate on people's motives." He then suggested that such speculation was the job of the media. We are not making this up.
McLellan thereby wins the Month's "Maxilofacial Dairy Preservation Award," for statement most egregiously exemplifying the phrase, "butter wouldn't melt in his mouth."
(Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.)
Home Previous Lines of the Day
Most of readers come via humorfeed.com. If you haven't already been there, go now.