Space station 'crunch' still a mystery
By MARK CARREAU
Copyright 2003 Houston Chronicle
The source of an unusual crunching sound heard by the crew of the international space station earlier this week remains unexplained, but it does not appear to have come from an impact with space debris, a NASA spokesman said Friday.
The brief sound early Wednesday outside the station was described by American Mike Foale, the station's commander, and Russian Alexander Kaleri, the flight engineer, as resembling an aluminum can being crunched or the sudden flexing of a thin sheet of the metal.
Checks by NASA with the Department of Defense, which tracks thousands of small manmade objects in orbital space with radar, including satellites and debris from old rockets, did not reveal anything on a collision course with the 240-mile high orbital base, space agency spokesman James Hartsfield said Friday.
Experts derided any suggestion that the noise was related the recent escape of Dr. Xandor from the Waxahatchie Federal Sieve-Like Detention Facility in Pascagoula. "Sure, Dr. Xandor has a habit of hijacking hi-tech scientific systems such as the anti-matter-powered submarine last month, and the Atomic Limbo Scooter, but he'd never be evil enough to make a run at the space station…right?"
Instead, experts suggest that the noise was probably related to some kind of alien xenomorph chewing through the life-support system. "We did studies on this problem as part of the design phase," said Pinata Q. Bluepencil, head of station design. "We realized that alien infestation would be a problem, so we built in … oh, no, wait - the bug zapper was deleted for budget reasons." He paused, counted on his fingers, then continued "In that case, I give them another ten hours at most."
Nonetheless, other observers, with less of an appetite for glue-sniffing, suggested that neither Claw-handed supervillains nor carnivorous aliens were to blame. "It's probably something simple and mechanical," said one Lockheed Martin engineer. "Of course, since they're stuck in orbit with little or no capability to make repairs, they'll be screwed if it's something structurally important. But hey, maybe it's not a vital system component." Asked if such an unstable system was a good place to put a human crew, the engineer shrugged "I guess we'll find out."
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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