Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)
--Juvenal
Golden Papal Handshake?
From www.nytimes.com
By PETER STEINFELS
The Roman Catholic Church has detailed provisions, honed by centuries of sometimes painful experience, that regulate the election of popes. It has virtually no provisions for the very modern problem of aging and physically or mentally declining popes.
Indeed, there are two questions: What to do in the emergency case of a pope so incapacitated he could not carry out his duties? And how to make such an emergency much more unlikely?
Popes can, of course, resign if they recognize their debilitation. As recently as 1996, Pope John Paul II issued a document largely dealing with papal elections that also specified some conditions for a valid resignation. There have been rumors that he has himself secretly readied a document to be issued when he no longer feels capable of his work.
But every time the possibility of a health-related resignation is raised publicly, whether for this pope or any other, it is swatted down by Vatican officials. Such a precedent, they believe, would encourage a papacy's critics to press for a resignation less on grounds of health than opposition to the pope's policies.
"The Pope is fine," said one Vatican spokesman. "He just likes to take naps in the middle of his speeches. But he's as strong as ever. Stronger. On his new diet, he has the strength of Ten Popes." But others are more skeptical. "Have you ever seen ‘Weekend at Bernies'?" asked one veteran Vatican-watcher. "I'm not necessarily implying anything, but why is His Holiness wearing those dark Ray-Bans all the time?"
Others scoff, noting that the Pope was seen recently reviewing the traditional October 1 parade of religio-military hardware through St. Peter's square. Nonetheless, observers at the event did not recall seeing him there, and the photograph the Vatican later produced produced to demonstrate his attendance clearly showed him standing atop what looked suspiciously like Lenin's tomb, next to a "cardinal" who bore a startling resemblance to Leonid Brezhnev.
Some experts see the solution in a return to an earlier Church tradition. "Can you imagine the Borgias letting a feeble opponent like that hold on to power," asked Sacco Van Zant, Professor of Medieval History at the Kneecap Institute. "In the old days, you held on to power as long as you had the strength, agility, and ruthlessness to do so, and when you slowed down, the rest of the pack turned on you and ate you alive. Now that's old time-religion."
Others suggest the creation of a new Church office, that of "Vice-Pope," a person who would take over the papal responsibilities in the event of the incapacity of the incumbent until a new Pope could be elected. The Vice-Pope would also cast tie-breaking votes in the Curia, and would attend funerals of foreign leaders. Despite the tradition of not no active campaigning for papacy, many see the availability of a Vice-Pope slot on the ticket as a way for a candidate to balance racial, geographic and even theological aspects of his own persona.
For the time being, there is little prospect of change. The current incumbent will continue, and his successor will be elected by the traditional majority of the Electoral College of Cardinals, after the usual ballot recounts, lawsuits, chad hunts and voter confusion.
(Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.)
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