'I denied myself who I was'
Monday, November 17, 2003 Posted: 5:40 PM EST (2240 GMT)
NEW YORK (CNN) -- Rush Limbaugh returned to his conservative talk show Monday after five weeks in a drug rehab center, declaring "the truth is now back on the airwaves" and promising to be the same host his listeners have "come to know, love and respect."
Limbaugh's voice was last heard on October 10, when he announced he was checking into a treatment center to battle his addiction to prescription painkillers. He admitted to years of addiction, which he said began when a doctor prescribed painkillers following a spinal injury.
In his first moments back on the air Monday, he said the "five intense weeks" in the Arizona rehab center were "a wonderful process ... as important as the first grade and maybe the second grade."
These remarks led to some speculation about what went on in rehab, so we asked Muskrat News editor Thurgood Barnstable McWhoop, who selflessly volunteered to sneak into Rush's Rehab Ranch to cover the story, going so far as to spend two weeks in an oxycontin haze to experience the story more fully. "Who the hell wants to know," responded McWhoop, who has been a little cranky since we cut off his opiate supply. But we reminded him of his contractual obligation to report the story before we paid the rehab bills, and after a stiff drink he was able to proceed. "Was it more important than second grade? It's hard to tell. I mean, in second grade you learn colors and the names of other countries. In rehab you learn not to kill yourself by marinating yourself in powerful chemicals. So it's kind of a tossup."
Asked how Mr. Limbaugh had interacted with the rest of the group, McWhoop was quiet until we offered him some bourbon. "Rush was OK, although he insisted on talking into a prop microphone. But in a group like that you expect a few quirks. We had one guy who thought he was a rock star, but it turned out he was just David Bowie."
Asked if Limbaugh had suffered any reverses or relapses in his treatment, McWhoop, suitably fortified by a quick drag on an unfiltered Pall-Mall, coughed "Not that I noticed. I mean, nothing serious. They caught him out on the hiking trail looking for toads to lick, but we all do that in week two."
Told that Limbaugh had described himself today as having been an addict "until five weeks ago," which implied his addiction ended when he started rehab, rather than when he finished, McWhoop nodded. "Yeah - some people insist they never had a problem, some insist they're cured after the first day. Rush was apparently one of the latter, but who am I to doubt his word? I still owe him for those Valium he slipped me."
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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