Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)
--Juvenal
U.S. Recruiting Hussein's Spies
Occupation Forces Hope Covert Campaign Will Help Identify Resistance
By Anthony Shadid and Daniel Williams
Washington Post Foreign Service
Sunday, August 24, 2003; Page A01
BAGHDQAD, Aug. 23 - U.S.-led occupation authorities have begun a covert campaign to recruit and train agents with the once-dreaded Iraqi Intelligence service. … U.S. officials said they recognized the potential pitfalls in relying on an instrument loathed by most Iraqis and renowned across the Arab world for its casual use of torture, fear, intimidation, rape and imprisonment. One official said "What we need to do is make sure they are indeed aware of the error of their ways."
U.S. Government Standard Form SF-666 Ways, Error of and Employment, Suitability for
(Original 1945, Revised 2003)
1. Name:
2. Date of Birth:
3. Previous organization (check all that apply):
( ) Presidential Guard
( ) Mukhabarat
( ) Syrian Intelligence
( ) Iranian Ministry of Innocuous Uranium Processing
( ) KGB
( ) Waffen SS
( ) ACLU
( ) Argentine Navy
4. Skills: (Check all that apply)
( ) Psychology of Interrogation
( ) Infiltration of subversive groups
( ) Intelligence Analysis
( ) Selection of Talkative Victims
( ) Motivational uses of household current
( ) Confession-Inducing Manicures
( ) That thing with the Coke Bottle
5. Past Misdeeds: (check all that apply)
( ) Murder
( ) Rape
( ) Torture
( ) Arson
( ) Genocide
( ) Raised taxes
( ) Placed Excessive Regulation on Petroleum Industry
( ) Other: ____________________ (Do Not Include Traffic Offenses)
6. Sincerity of Regret: (Check only one)
( ) It was an emergency. We did what we had to do.
( ) I was just following orders.
( ) What are you, some kind of softie?
( ) Mistakes were made
( ) Me so sorry, Yankee Big Man!
( ) I have nightmares about what I did
( ) Please don't tell the Israelis you found me.
7. In the past, we have been misled by people who were not appropriately remorseful. How can the U.S. Government be assured that you have changed your ways?
(Check no more than two)
( ) Would I lie to you?
( ) I will take a polygraph, just like Aldrich Ames did
( ) Why did you wink repeatedly when you asked that question?
( ) Look, I was told I just had to sign the form. Do you want me or not?
( ) What means 'remorseful'?
8. Your hiring, if it were to become public, might be an embarrassment to the government of the United States. How would you propose dealing with the situation?
( ) "That wasn't me, it was my cousin" (cousin's name: _________)
( ) "I had a troubled childhood"
( ) Kill reporter
( ) Kill reporter, publisher, family of reporter, and burn reporter's village
( ) "I am resigning my position in order to spend more time with my family"
( ) "I had hoped that our opponents would not stoop to mudslinging."
( ) "I regret my youthful indiscretions"
9. We have a variety of services available to people whose past has become inconvenient. The type of services available depend on the degree to which you aid our efforts. An illustrative list is below:
You give us: We give you:
Name of suicide bomber New Driver's License
Location of planning cell New name, new car
Location of WMD New name, new car, new wife
Location of sons Uday and Qusay New Name, plastic surgery, condo in Tampa
10. As an employee of the United States Government, you will be eligible for enrollment in FEGLI (Federal Employees' Group Life Insurance), FEHB (Federal Employees Health Benefits Plan), and CSRS (the Civil Service Retirement System). You will be credited under CSRS for previous years of service in intelligence, counter-intelligence, or police work. However, be aware that neither FEGLI, FEHB, nor CSRS covers acts of war, revenge by orphans, widows, enraged Hutu or Tutsi survivors, or sentences of the International Criminal Court.
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