Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)
--Juvenal
Microsoft warns of New Windows Flaws
By Ted Bridis
AP Technology Writer
Wednesday, September 10, 2003; 4:32 PM
Moments before a top Microsoft executive told Congress about efforts to improve security, the company warned on Wednesday of new flaws that leave its flagship Windows software vulnerable to Internet attacks similar to the Blaster virus that infected hundreds of thousands of computers last month.
The company cautioned that hackers could seize control over a victim's computer by attacking these flaws, which affect Windows technology that allows computers to communicate with others across a network.
"We definitely want people to apply this one," said Jeff Jones, Microsoft's senior director for trustworthy computing. Outside researchers and Microsoft's own internal reviews discovered the new flaws after the Blaster infection, he said.
Outside experts said some flaws were nearly identical to problems exploited by the Blaster worm, which spread last month with devastating damage. Computer users who applied an earlier patch in July to protect themselves still must install the new patch from Microsoft.
Both of the most recent security problems relate to a dialogue box that appears during the initial Windows setup procedure. The dialogue box reads:
Windows can be configured with various levels of security. Please click on the box indicating the level you want to install:
( ) High. Your computer cannot be connected to the Internet, has no disk drives, and has no input/output ports for network communications.
( ) Medium. Your computer can connect to the internet, local networks, and disk drives. However, it is as wide open as a Bangkok cathouse. It can be manipulated more easily than most American voters. Within minutes of powering it up, your computer will be hijacked, and ridden around town like a rented pony. Various hackers will abuse it, using it as base for sending spam and hosting animal-porn sites. When they tire of beating it like a red-headed stepchild, they will strip it of its metaphorical radio, tires, and battery and leave it up on cyber-cinderblocks in the internet equivalent of Najaf, Iraq. It will be used by the locals for RPG practice and/or as a latrine.
( ) Low. We do not advise the use of 'Low' Security with the use of plastic keyboard covers, latex gloves, and a handy supply of antibiotics and retroviral drugs.
The previous flaw, according to Microsoft, was that the buttons did not work - no matter which one a user clicked on, the security level was set to "low." The new flaw is that the software is written by Microsoft. Microsoft is working on a fix for the latter problem, and is expected to have one in hand just as soon as they buy up the rights to LINUX.
(Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.)
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