ASSOCIATED PRESS
CARSON CITY, Nev. (AP) - Nevada memo to George Bush: When making a first presidential visit to a state, use the right pronounciation of its name.
Bush, in Las Vegas on Tuesday, repeatedly said Ne-vah-da. To properly pronounce Nevada, the middle syllable should rhyme with gamble.
In addition, the first syllable should rhyme with "the," instead of "Bling," and the third should rhyme with "Duh," not "Gorp." Bush's reference to Nevada as "Klingvanork" is unlikely to be replayed in opposition campaign commercials, however, thanks to recent advances in digital editing technology. A few weeks ago, when staffers wanted to use excerpts from the President's latets State of the Union address, they faced one problem: he had mispronounced one line. As the New York Times reported: 'The line read, "It would take one vial, one canister, one crate, slipped into this country to bring a day of horror like none we have ever known." But Mr. Bush stumbled between the words "one" and "vial." And … he pronounced the "v" as if it were a "w." Yet in a new Republican commercial that borrows excerpts from that speech, Mr. Bush delivers that line as smoothly as any other in the address … Republican officials acknowledged yesterday that the change was a product of technology. The line, they said, was digitally enhanced in editing "to ensure the best clarity."'
Using the same technology, staffers have changed Bush's pronunciation back to Ne-Vah-Da, and also corrected his later assertion that "Robots are stealing my luggage, and Laura speaks Russian in her sleep," to "we will stay the course in Iraq."
Staffers could not be more enthusiastic about the new technology. "With this new technology we can stop Democrats from appropriating occasional verbal miscues for cheap political mockery" said Terwilliger Throckmorton IV, Head of Cheap Political Mockery for the Republican Party.
One problem remains, however: as it currently stands, the technology requires a time delay for a human operator to seelect the garbled text and identify an appropraite replacement. As such, it can only be used for editing tapes and cannot be used in a live context. "Well, spit," sighed Throckmorton, "We're just going to have to tape the speeches beforehand, clean them up electronically, then have POTUS lip-synch to the corrected versions." Asked if the elctorate would accept a Milli Vanilli presidency, Throckmorton strongly denied that Bush would be getting dreadlocks and said "short of that, what are they going to do? Read his lips?" Reminded that the public had, in fact, 'read' Bush senior's lips and decided to kick him out of office for it, Throckmorton said "Bush senior never said that, and we have the tape to prove it."
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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