MISSILE DEFENSE AGENCY BOOSTER ROCKET PROGRAM
The Department of Defense announced today the results of an assessement of two separate manufacturing process-related accidents in August and September 2003 at Pratt & Whitney's missile propellant mixing facility in San Jose, Calif. These incidents affected three key components of the Missile Defense Agency's (MDA) missile defense development effort, as well as other DoD programs. MDA is currently finalizing its evaluation of potential impacts to the overall missile defense development program, but for the near-term, the program most affected is a booster rocket for the Ground-based Midcourse Defense (GMD) element of the Ballistic Missile Defense System (BMDS).
Officials are enthusiastic about the future of the program despite the two accidents. In fact, some are citing the accidents as proof of progress. "Look at this way," said Colonel Mangrove Handstand of the Missile Defense Agency's Office of Casuistry and Rationalization. "Three years ago we were experiencing failures in the sensors and motors on the exoatmospheric kill vehicle - failures that prevented a successful intercept. Two years ago we had failures of the kill vehicle to separate from the booster before even looking for the target. A year ago we decided that the boosters were dodgy enough that they were a problem themselves. Now we've got a problem with making the propellant for the boosters. Clearly, we've pushed the problem phase-space progressively farther away form the intercept point, and with a little more time, hopefully we can push it back out of the program entirely."
"Well, that's just … Oh, God, did he really say that?" asked Pinwheel O'Shagg, Professor of Explosive and Frightening Technology at MIT. "For one thing, engineering errors aren't like an air bubble trapped under wallpaper - you can't push them around until they leak out the side of the strip. You have to actually solve the problems, which MDA has yet to do. Just because the boosters are now exploding even before they're built - which I admit is a pretty impressive accomplishment - does not mean that they ever fixed the kill vehicle."
"Did the kill vehicle malfunction during the August and September incidents? No? Well, I call that a 100% success rate," countered Colonel Handstand.
"Listen to me very carefully," said Professor O'Shagg through clenched teeth. "If a criminal dies at age 30 in a shootout, that doesn't mean they've reformed - it just means they won't have the chance to offend again. You see what I'm up against? He gets $7 Billion a year and he doesn't even have to use logic." O'Shagg shook his head. "Would he consider it progress if a huge and fundamental flaw was found in decision to field a missile defense system at all?."
"Well, of course I would, although I fail to see what street punks have to do with the President's Faith-Based Missile Defense system," said the Colonel. "If we can move the failure nexus to the edge of the spacetime footprint of the program, then it's one small step to moving it outside, thus perfecting the system entirely."
O'Shagg seemed heartened, saying only "I have some great news for the Colonel."
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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