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Line of the Day

March 2, 2008


From one Iowa paper’s editorial page web site:

[S]omething happened this past weekend that would have been practically unbelievable at one time.  ...A candidate for president gave a campaign speech........ the speech was historic. .... The speech was given by U.S. Sen. Barack Obama. The speech was made in Richmond, Va. .... When one considers the scope of history, the event of a black man running for president in the one-time capital of the Confederacy --- attracting people of all colors and backgrounds in peaceful assembly, passing as just another campaign event --- is a monumental statement about how far this country has come to living up to the principles on which it was founded.  It took nearly 150 years of blood, sweat and tears of six generations of Americans to get here.


 In Part I of our story, we discussed the fact that
the Food and Drug Administration today moved to classify Barack Obama as a Schedule II controlled substance.

Part II discussed the spread of the Obama craze.  

Part III looked at the science behind the FDA’s actions.

In Part IV, we discuss the growing "Medical Obama" movement.

It is so small it barely qualifies as an office.  It can't be called a "storefront," because in fact it opens onto an alley.  Last winter it served as a warming room for skating rink in the vacant lot next door. Before that it was used to store equipment for street maintenance crews; a leaning tower of orange traffic ones still hunches in one corner, like a post-nuclear ficus.  But today this space is occupied by two earnest volunteers, one laptop stealing wi-fi access from the Starbucks across the alley, and a stash of Obama so pure that it has to be handled with gloves.  And it's all legal.  Welcome to the world of medical Obama.

The FDA and Republican and Democratic officials alike have striven for months to stamp out Obama use across the country, and the FDA is on the verge of banning the use of the potent narcotic.  But a few states are on the leading edge of a resistance movement.  Here in Waxahatchee Flats, with a doctor's note, adults can get regular doses of Obama, which they claim has important therapeutic uses.

Reefer X. Maytag is one medical Obama user.  "It's primarily to allow me to eat," the gaunt outpatient says. "I've been a steady regime of campaign ads for months now, and I'm a chronic news junkie. Obama fights off the nausea that the ads create, and allows me to bring back some of my appetite for civics."  Other benefits claimed for the drug include improved vision, reduced symptoms of depression,and vicarious eloquence.  

The medical profession is skeptical.  Dr. Placebo Dementia, head of Imaginary and Relentless Urges at St. Cuthbert's-down-the-well Institute for the Halt and Lame, scoffed at the claims made for Obama.  "It's an illusion.  People tell themselves they'll feel better, so they do.  There's no identified biochemical or legislative pathway via which Obama can actually create change, increase tolerance for political deal-making, or mute special interests."  

Like medical marijuana, medical Obama currently exists in a legal gray area, permitted by some state and local ordinances, but technically still illegal under federal rules.  Nonetheless, federal authorities have been slow to prosecute "med-Ob" distributors because of their standing in local communities.  In Varmint County, Florence McSlipwhich is knows as the "ten-gram granny," the weight of the Obama bumper stickers she made in her antique-filled home and distributed to friends and family for years.  Ordered to arrest her by a new district attorney, the local sheriff took her into custody six weeks ago -- only to see the local magistrate free her without bail in time for her to get home and work the second shift at her meth lab.  

Both sides are looking forward to the upcoming national referendum on the legalization of Obama.  


Part I: The FDA Acts
Part II:  The craze spreads
Part III:  The Science of Obama
Part IV: The ‘medical Obama’ movement  
 

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Warning! The Line of the Day is not an authorized infotainment product! It contains material not previously cleared/authored by Karl Rove. By definition, therefore, it is a farrago of lies and pretentious word choices. Only the part in bold is stolen from actual news sources.