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Line of the Day

February 18, 2008

From one Iowa paper’s editorial page web site:

[S]omething happened this past weekend that would have been practically unbelievable at one time.  ...A candidate for president gave a campaign speech........ the speech was historic. .... The speech was given by U.S. Sen. Barack Obama. The speech was made in Richmond, Va. .... When one considers the scope of history, the event of a black man running for president in the one-time capital of the Confederacy --- attracting people of all colors and backgrounds in peaceful assembly, passing as just another campaign event --- is a monumental statement about how far this country has come to living up to the principles on which it was founded.  It took nearly 150 years of blood, sweat and tears of six generations of Americans to get here.

The Food and Drug Administration today moved to classify Barack Obama as a Schedule II controlled substance.  

In Part III of our series on the FDA’s effort to classify Barack Obama as a controlled substance, we look at the science behind the FDA’s actions.

Republican sources have cited any number of disturbing effects from Obama usage, including dizziness, euphoria, lack of depth perspective, and what they call “aterroria,” or failure to experience fear.  “Fear is the psyche’s immune system,” explained one GOP operative.  “It guards against risky activities like crossing the street against the light or playing with fire.  Without fear, people might not support the War on Scary People, and let’s face it – in light of the economic sinkhole that’s rapidly swallowing America, that’s the only card we have left.  Scary people.  Very scary.  Foreign-sounding.  Swarthy.  Very scary.  Best to kill them all.”

Not everyone agrees.  A spokesman for primary opponent Hillary Clinton explained that her campaign’s opposition to Obama was founded on good medical science.  “The problem is not that Obama will make people high, or even give them hope –we like hope.  Hope is good.  The problem is that he’s a placebo.  An empty sugar pill of sweet promises that will no more cure the working class blues than will hypnosis, acupuncture, or echinacea.  It’s voodoo medicine, and it’s just as much of a waste of time as voodoo economics.  Real opportunity comes like real physical health.  It comes from hard work, the right diet, and plenty of fiber.  That’s what Hillary Clinton’s campaign is all about.  Eating your vegetables. Hillary is the broccoli of candidates.  Mmmmm, who doesn’t like broccoli!”

Reminded that pretty much everybody hates broccoli, the spokesman looked around, and asked if we had any chocolate.  Asked if that were a code word for Obama, the spokesman replied “either way man, either way.  Anything to get the taste of tofu out of my mouth.”

Others disagree.  
"They said absinthe caused insanity, and it was banned for decades," said Simone le Fleur, self-described 'unpretentious, working class feng shui critic.'  "Now they want to ban Obama just because he makes people irrational.  I ask you -- is it irrational to believe one man can change the ingrained political habits of 300 Million people?  It is?  Oh.  Crap.  What if he has a hot wife and a big smile?"

The Obama campaign, of course, denies any placebo or narcotic properties to their candidate.  “Hey, man, it’s just, you know good stuff.” said Snuffy D, campaign dealer for West Englewood.  “Goes down smooth, huh?  Who doesn’t want a little hope?  Want a hit?  First one’s free.  Don’t think you could bring yourself to get on board, huh?  Three little words, baby: Yes You can.  Yes you can.”

In an effort to pad out the story, this reporter has sampled “Obama,” taking a small dose from his memoir “Dreams From My Father.”  At first, I experienced no effect except a slight drowsiness from the lengthy passages describing an inner monologue on the subject of race.  That’s the last I remember until three days later, when the editor had to chase me down from the top of a storage cupboard, where I had climbed to address the newsroom on the importance of Hope.  Clearly, Obama is harmless.  Although where I got the tattoo remains a mystery.

Attempting to settle the issue, we talked to an actual scientist at the FDA.  “Well, there is no science, really,” says the FDA’s chief spokesman.  “But the White House keeps calling and telling us to do something.”  He removed his glasses and urged this reporter  to write the next words down carefully.  “Mr. President, you can still give orders to the Chairman, but it’s too late in the game to frighten the worker bees.  Your anti-scientific crap is on its way out, and everybody knows it, so go screw yourself.”  The White House disagrees, asserting it has at least six more months during which it can peddle junk science.

Be sure to read the rest of our series on Obama:

Part I: The FDA Steps In
Part II: How far and how fast has the craze spread?
Part III: The scientific evidence: is it healthy for teeth to be that shiny?
Part IV: The ‘medical Obama’ movement  



Warning! The Line of the Day is not an authorized infotainment product! It contains material not previously cleared/authored by Karl Rove. By definition, therefore, it is a farrago of lies and pretentious word choices. Only the part in bold is stolen from actual news sources.