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Line of the Day

February 15, 2008

 In Part I of our story, we discussed the fact that
the Food and Drug Administration today moved to classify Barack Obama as a Schedule II controlled substance.

PART II  How far has the craze spread?  

Experts say that the FDA was prompted to act by a converging series of events.  Foremost among them was a phone call from Karl Rove, asking "What the Hell is taking you people so long?  Kneecap that man, and do it ASAP."  But a contributing factor in the FDA's totally non-partisan and scientifically sound concern was the speed and scope of the Obama crisis.  Once considered a designer drug, passed around by wine-sipping liberals at Chicago cocktail parties for their own amusement, the phenomenon has spread to smaller towns and rural areas.  

Once plagued by nothing more than meth labs, brucellosis, inbreeding, and nightmarishly bad weather, the small community of Ringworm, Arkansas was recently rocked by the discovery of an Obama distribution ring being run out of the basement of a local man's house.  As hazmat-suited workers carted off the bumper stickers, flyers, and yard signs, the local Sheriff could only shake his head.  "Look at this neighborhood-- these are all good families.  One spark and that place could have gone up like a bomb-- there would have been giddy optimism all over the place, and God knows how many families we'd have to deprogram."  Asked if allegiance to a political candidate, even one as addictive as Obama, was actually physically dangerous when compared to, say, heroin, the sheriff replied.  "It's plenty harmful -- if Hillary's people catch you at it."

One Wisconsin sheriff concurred. “Oh, sure he’s harmless.  Just a little fun, right?  That’s what the yuppies used to say about cocaine.  Then we had crack, then freebasing, then speed balls, then the next thing you know I flunk out of Beloit and have to get work in Law enforcement.  What?”  

Law enforcement officials are cautiously optimistic that the Obama craze can be stopped.  It has not yet sunk deep roots in New York or California, and the drug is in limited supply.  There is so little of it in fact that it is often highly diluted into 'commercials' or even 'position papers,' a form so weak that it produces almost none Obama's characteristic euphoria, and which is often shunned in favor of extasy or cappuccino.  The purest form, 'live speech,' is so popular that users will line up for hours and "donate" hundreds of dollars to street dealers to get a fresh supply--and even then they sometimes have to settle for a cut-down version known on the street as 'video.'  Still they come, and the police, Homeland Security, the the Republican National Committee (now conveniently centralized into one office!) are concerned that it may be too late to stop the wave.

In one West Virginia hollow, Fergus McWhoop (no relation to Muskrat News Editor In Chief Thurgood McWhoop) is an example of the scale of the problem.  McWhoop's family (OK, he and Thurgood are cousins, but Thurgood isn't in the business) has been bootlegging for more than a century. Moonshine, untaxed cigarettes, marijuana, meth, Canadian Xanax, home-made skin care creams, you name it.  If the federal government has tried to stamp it out, the McWhoops have made it, sold it, moved it, snorted it, and made crude digital-video infomercials for it.  (Thurgood was just a kid!  He doesn't do that any more.)  Now they're bootlegging Barack, which is ironic given that Obama has been compared to moonshine by more than one competitor.  Unlike the liquid moonshine, though (and the hand cream), Obama does not cause blindness.  Yet.

Be sure to read the rest of our series on Obama:

Yesterday:  Part I: The FDA Acts
Today:  Part II:  The craze spreads
Saturday:  Part III: The scientific evidence: is it healthy for teeth to be that shiny?

"They said absinthe caused insanity, and it was banned for decades," said Simone le Fleur, self-described 'unpretentious, working class feng shui critic.'  "Now they want to ban Obama just because he makes people irrational.  I ask you -- is it irrational to believe one man cann change the ingrained political habits of 300 Million people?  It is?  Oh.  Crap.  What if he has a hot wife and a big smile?"

Sunday:  Part IV: The ‘medical Obama’ movement  



Warning! The Line of the Day is not an authorized infotainment product! It contains material not previously cleared/authored by Karl Rove. By definition, therefore, it is a farrago of lies and pretentious word choices. Only the part in bold is stolen from actual news sources.