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Line of the Day

February 13, 2008


From one Iowa paper’s editorial page web site:

[S]omething happened this past weekend that would have been practically unbelievable at one time.  ...A candidate for president gave a campaign speech........ the speech was historic. .... The speech was given by U.S. Sen. Barack Obama. The speech was made in Richmond, Va. .... When one considers the scope of history, the event of a black man running for president in the one-time capital of the Confederacy --- attracting people of all colors and backgrounds in peaceful assembly, passing as just another campaign event --- is a monumental statement about how far this country has come to living up to the principles on which it was founded.  It took nearly 150 years of blood, sweat and tears of six generations of Americans to get here.


The Food and Drug Administration today moved to classify Barack Obama as a Schedule II controlled substance.  

“Schedule II drugs are those which, while they do have legitimate uses, also have a high potential for abuse, and abuse of which can lead to sever psychological or physical dependence,” said an FDA spokesman.  “And we think Barack, especially when delivered in speech form, fits that description.”  Asked how a human being, or even his words, could be a dangerous drug, the spokesman said “have you heard those speeches?  People who only see them on TV feel euphoric, with reports of dizziness, drastically altered metabolisms, and a false sense of euphoria.  They often experience auditory and visual hallucinations, claiming they can see or feel something called ‘hope.’ It’s worse in person – we practically had to scrape people off the floor after his victory speech in South Carolina.  And the addiction curve for Obama is wicked steep.  One or two hits and many people are hooked.”  The spokesman acknowledged that, as Obama is a candidate for elective office, his use cannot be banned outright, but cautioned people to be careful, limit their exposure, and avoid contact of they have heart problems, are taking prescription medications, or have enlarged incomes that might be vulnerable to taxation.  Other reported side effects of Obama include irrational expectations about the possible results of the political process, and gushing like a schoolgirl.

Obama’s supporters scoffed at the notion that his presence should be controlled.  “He’s no more harmful or addictive than a good jolt of caffeine,” asserted one jittery staffer, hands wrapped tightly around what appeared to be a crack pipe loaded with Starbucks’ finest espresso beans.  Reminded that caffeine has no nutritional benefits nor can it provide substantial caloric energy, the staffer replied “We like caffeine.  You wouldn’t outlaw caffeine, would you?  Oh, god, please say they wouldn’t do that!  That would be worse than what happened to Bobby Kennedy!”

The administration denied that it was trying to dampen enthusiasm for Obama, noting it would have been “just as quick to ban McCain, if anybody had ever shown any inclination to become addicted that particular sleep aid.”

For the moment, Obama will remain available from CNN, MSNBC, and licensed methadone clinics.  

Next: How far has the craze spread?  

Asked if Obama was really as destructive as other drugs, one Wisconsin sheriff replied “Oh, sure he’s harmless.  Just a little fun, right?  That’s what the yuppies used to say about cocaine.  Then we had crack, then freebasing, then speedballs, then the next thing you know I flunk out of Beloit and have to get work in Law enforcement.  What?”  

Be sure to read the rest of our series on Obama:

Part II: How far and how fast has the craze spread?
Part III: The scientific evidence: is it healthy for teeth to be that shiny?
Part IV: The ‘medical Obama’ movement  

 

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Warning! The Line of the Day is not an authorized infotainment product! It contains material not previously cleared/authored by Karl Rove. By definition, therefore, it is a farrago of lies and pretentious word choices. Only the part in bold is stolen from actual news sources.