February 5, 2008

[Patriots' QB Tom Brady's girlfriend, Supermodel Giselle] Bündchen is of distant German ancestry in both sides of her family: her great-great-grandparents immigrated to Brazil from Germany in 1945.  

Through the innovative Journalist technique of "imagineering," Muskrat News brings you the innermost thoughts of  Fraulein Bundchen during yesterday's game:

First Quarter.   Boooring.  Where my Tommy Boy is?  Why do the Giant men let him play not?  Ach, appear he does.  And down the field he marches!  Like a Siegfried!  Like Guderian!  Like, get on with it! 

Second Quarter.  Very good.  My little Rommel throws the perfect strike for a touchdown, Yah!  But then is all scuffling.  Back and forth.    Booring.  This is not how the man of action, the man of destiny behaves! He is letting the other mens put their hands on him!  Have them arrested!  Put their eyes out! 

Third Quarter.  I try to call Tommy on his cell, but answer does he not.  For this he will pay.  Booored.  Ask waiter for cocaine, instead Pepsi he to me offers.  Must be language barrier.   

Fourth Quarter.  Ach, no!  That Manning has scored the touchdown.  He looks Jewish.  But Lo!  My Siegfried, my little Ubermenschen, he creates the touchdown again!  What a master!  Together we shall create babies of such genetic purity… oops, GrandPapi asked me not to talk about The Project.   

2:39 to go.  Which after-game parties to attend?  So many want our presence, so few can be graced… my leutnant is fielding calls like a one-armed squad leader on the Ostfront… Oooh, it is that Manning person again.  Crush him my Valkyries! 

1:15 to go.  CRUSH HIM!  GET HIM!  No!!!  You Swine!  You had him in your hands! You were at the gates of Moscow!  No matter.  These Giant Men are effete, lacking the will to win.  New York, like London, is a city of commerce, of bloated shopkeepers and soft-handed clerks.  We will crush them like the Luftwaffe cushed the RAF! 

0:39 to go.  Shit!!  Is it possible that GrandPapi has his history wrong??!   

0:29 to go. No Matter!  We have Ze Tom!  Ze Zecret weapon!  He is our V-1 and our V-2!  Like Friedrich der Grosse at the Battle of Rossbach, he will sweep all before him with his speed and cunning! 

0:25 to go. Yes, sir, any minute now. 

0:19 to go. Hello!!  I am not spending my life being fabulous to sleep with the losing quarterback! 

0:10 to go. Tom will be waiting for me in the bunker.  Let him wait. 

0:01 to go.  I believe a headache I am having.