"Difficile est satiram non scribere." (It is difficult to not write satire.) - Juvenal


January 2008
February 2008
Line of the Day


MILWAUKEE -- How close was President George W. Bush to becoming baseball commissioner?

If a new book by former baseball commissioner Fay Vincent is to be believed, very close.

"Fay, what do you think about me becoming commissioner?" Bush asked Vincent several months after Vincent was forced out as commissioner in September 1992. Bush owned the Texas Rangers at the time.

"I think it's a great idea," Vincent said.

"Do you think I'd make a good commissioner?" Bush asked Vincent.

"Absolutely," Vincent answered. "You're smart. You love baseball. Is it something you want?"

Replied Bush: "Well, I've been thinking about it. (Bud) Selig tells me that he would love to have me be commissioner and he tells me that he can deliver it."

The American Society of satirists today pre-emptively awarded this story the 2008 Gerald Ford Award for satire that writes itself. “It’s really just too much,” said one scribbler. “If satire was food, we’d all be in insulin shock right now.  I mean, where do you start?  The gullibility?  Swallowing the favorable story line from Selig, then from Chalabi and Curveball?  The insane miscues he would surely have pursued?  The hope that, as opposed to a war the kills ten of thousands of civilians and thousands of American troops, baseball might actually have engaged Bush’s interest for more than a day or two?  The possibility that David Addington would crap all over a hundred years of tradition and assert Bush’s right to call balls and strikes from the Commissioner’s office?  It’s too much.  I can’t be expected to pick a target.”

Others differed.  Jonah “It’s a hard G” Gerbils, from National Review Imaginary, said “Clearly, the umpires have been allowed to impose their own pro-Cuban agenda for years, by allowing batters born in foreign lands to have called balls.  This is just one more liberal fascist attempt to enforce a collectivist approach to balls and strikes, and it’s high time someone but his shiny black boot down.”

At least one analyst noted the irony that, had Bush been Commissioner of Baseball, and had he pursued steroids with the vigor, not to say the bulllheaded inquisitorial fetishism, that he pursued non-existent Iraqi WMD, history would have been significantly different.  "Yeah, that's effing hilarious," said the former PFC Larry Simkins, of Tulsa, OK.  "Instead of a clean sport and peace in the Middle East, Curt Schilling wins a tainted World Series and I get my legs lopped off because Bush had the wrong job.  Freakin' hilarious."

Warning! The Line of the Day is not an authorized infotainment product! It contains material not previously cleared/authored by Karl Rove. By definition, therefore, it is a farrago of lies and pretentious word choices. Only the part in bold is stolen from actual news sources.