"Difficile est satiram non scribere." (It is difficult to not write satire.) - Juvenal
Subway tunnel Weather
Dank, with a 100% chance of trains
Home Repair Horoscopes
Taurus
Glue-Gun Accident
Aries
Power-Staplers and Vodka Do Not Mix
Virgo
Righty-Tighty, Lefty-Oh, Crap!
Saggitarius
Measure twice, cut finger, swear.
Capricorn
The light switch works. Stop while you're ahead.
Pisces
Suring the week you make $50 an hour. Today, you'll spend 30 minutes trying to fugure out a way to save $2 at Home Depot.
Aquarius
I'll get to it tomorrow, I swear.
Libra
It's supposed to be crooked, right?
Sports
Big, dumb men who undoubtedly taunted smaller, smarter kids in grade
school had some kind of big, dumb contest today that nobody with any
brains cares about. It's not like it was our fault for being
smart.
Life/Style/Features
Recess News
Muskrat News in Corporate Shakeup
WASHINGTON, Dec. 19 News Industry pipsqueak MuskratCo Holdings, parent company of Muskrat News and Bob's U-Pick-Em Cabbage Farm, announced today a series of management changes.
The previous Editor-in-Chief of Muskrat News has been replaced after having been found not to have published anything in the last year.
His replacement will be announced shortly.
"The Muskrat News brand name remains as well-known and respected as it ever has," lamented CEO Thurgood Barnstable McWhoop, scion of the publishing family that has been running Muskrat News since winning it in a local card game four years ago.
McWHoop later asked what "lamented" means, and was told "it means happy. And proud. And manly." Satisfied, he returned to his glue-sniffing.
You Want a Piece of Us?!?
Complaints, Congratulations, and great thoughts from our readers are always welcome. Send them to webmaster@muskratnews.com.
Each and every e-mail we receive will be answered personally by our staff. Your personal data will be forgotten immediately.
Each and every e-mail we receive will be answered personally by our staff. Your personal data will be forgotten immediately.
Archive Site:
What happened to MuskratNews v.1.0? Visit our
archive site
for Muskrat nostalgia.
Line of the Day
Obama supporter warns Clinton over 'racism'
By Tim Shipman in Greenwood, South Carolina
Last Updated: 6:18pm GMT 19/01/2008
One of Barack Obama's most fervent supporters has warned Hillary Clinton that "racist" comments by the former First Lady will deny her the support of black voters in South Carolina - the next White House battleground.
In response, Clinton's campaign released the text of an upcoming speech in South Carolina to demonstrate that no such appeals were being made. Excerpts follow:
Dick Cheney said that in responding to terrorism we might have to go over to the Dark Side. I reject that. Some people find comfort in losing their morals - they find a kind of dark ease. I stand here against dark ease. ...
Obama likes to brag about his experience as a community organizer in the field. Well, he may have been a good field hand, but is that we want in the White House? ...
Democracy is about getting the hopes and dreams and realities of everyday Americans to Washington. But the system is broken. The system for getting real American’s experiences to Washington isn’t working. The pipe is cracked. ....
I love South Carolina – your watermelons, your briar patches, your state flag. Like many Southerners, I enjoy a good Coke-cola. Barack likes coke too! ...
Barack Obama wants to encase America in bad policies. He wants to make us slaves to bad policy for generations. He wants to marry your daughters to a failed health-care system. ....
Come on! I’m a white woman, he’s a black man, do the math! Forty years ago you’d have lynched him for voting, the least you can do is not vote for him.
Warning! The Line of the Day is not an authorized infotainment product! It contains material not previously cleared/authored by Karl Rove. By definition, therefore, it is a farrago of lies and pretentious word choices. Only the part in bold is stolen from actual news sources.
Lines of Previous Days
01/18/08 Muskrat Blah blah
10/08/08 Navy Lawyer Promoted to "Civilian"
10/09/06 Google! Boo!
10/11/06 Justice Runs Out of Ideas
10/12/06 It's Hard Out There For Karl Rove
10/20/06 Rove Sick of 99 Bottles of beer Song
10/26/06 Candidate Sorry to Slime Rival
11/08/06 Rove Seeks New Challenges
11/12/06 Dems promise to Fail in Bold New Ways
11/17/06 Bo Dies One For The Gipper
11/26/06 Maker of WMD "Sorry"
11/27/06 Sports Stays Classy
January 21, 2008
Obama supporter warns Clinton over 'racism'
By Tim Shipman in Greenwood, South Carolina
Last Updated: 6:18pm GMT 19/01/2008
One of Barack Obama's most fervent supporters has warned Hillary Clinton that "racist" comments by the former First Lady will deny her the support of black voters in South Carolina - the next White House battleground.
In response, Clinton's campaign released the text of an upcoming speech in South Carolina to demonstrate that no such appeals were being made. Excerpts follow:
Dick Cheney said that in responding to terrorism we might have to go over to the Dark Side. I reject that. Some people find comfort in losing their morals - they find a kind of dark ease. I stand here against dark ease. ...
Obama likes to brag about his experience as a community organizer in the field. Well, he may have been a good field hand, but is that we want in the White House? ...
Democracy is about getting the hopes and dreams and realities of everyday Americans to Washington. But the system is broken. The system for getting real American’s experiences to Washington isn’t working. The pipe is cracked. ....
I love South Carolina – your watermelons, your briar patches, your state flag. Like many Southerners, I enjoy a good Coke-cola. Barack likes coke too! ...
Barack Obama wants to encase America in bad policies. He wants to make us slaves to bad policy for generations. He wants to marry your daughters to a failed health-care system. ....
Come on! I’m a white woman, he’s a black man, do the math! Forty years ago you’d have lynched him for voting, the least you can do is not vote for him.
Warning! The Line of the Day is not an authorized infotainment product! It contains material not previously cleared/authored by Karl Rove. By definition, therefore, it is a farrago of lies and pretentious word choices. Only the part in bold is stolen from actual news sources.
Lines of Previous Days
01/18/08 Muskrat Blah blah
10/08/08 Navy Lawyer Promoted to "Civilian"
10/09/06 Google! Boo!
10/11/06 Justice Runs Out of Ideas
10/12/06 It's Hard Out There For Karl Rove
10/20/06 Rove Sick of 99 Bottles of beer Song
10/26/06 Candidate Sorry to Slime Rival
11/08/06 Rove Seeks New Challenges
11/12/06 Dems promise to Fail in Bold New Ways
11/17/06 Bo Dies One For The Gipper
11/26/06 Maker of WMD "Sorry"
11/27/06 Sports Stays Classy