Fri October 10, 2003 02:53 PM ET
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The United States has prepared some ideas on security assurances to submit to North Korea, Secretary of State Colin Powell said on Friday.
"We have some ideas with respect to security assurances which we will be presenting in due course," he told reporters.
North Korea was happy to hear the news. "Thank God," said Kim Kim-il-Kim, Minister of Kimche, Kimenotagrophy, and Kimset. "We just want to know what you want. We thought at first it was going to be 'give up your nuclear weapons,' so we hustled to make some to be able to give them up. Then all of a sudden you're carping about the making of the weapons! Bitch, Bitch, Bitch. But then we read the Kay Report out of Iraq. And we figure Wow-Iraq really didn't have WMD, and didn't have active programs to make them. We'll probably see an apology from Dick Cheney now. But no! Your round-headed, sideways-talking Presidential ventriloquist says that the Iraq war was fully justified by Iraq's desire to have WMD! OK, now we're starting to sweat. We just don't know what to do!"
"But then one night Me and the rest of the boys in the Politburo were sitting around drinking Tang - you know Tang? Very modern! Very nice - and we were trying to figure out what you want. And Kim Kimmerson - Minister for Draught and Famine Denial, fabulous guy - said "Maybe they want us to stop wanting nuclear weapons, you know, like a rehabilitation thing!" So we kidnapped a few AA members from the Southern puppet state and interrogated them to learn about the Twelve Steps, and frankly it sounds a lot like being in a re-education camp - acknowledging the higher power of the Dear Leader, making lists of your wrongs, so we figured, hey, who hasn't been sent to a camp for a few years? How hard can this be?"
So we sent a message to the Pentagon that we were ready to join Warmongers Anonymous, and asked Donald Rumsfeld if he'd be our sponsor, but he said HE wasn't in the program, that HE didn't have an aggression addiction, that he could stop invading countries any time he wanted to, but he didn't want to right now because he had feel a bunch of invisible WMD proliferating all over the globe. Now, we admit we went on a tear fifty years ago, but we're not the ones who went on a 26-day bender in Iraq and woke up with a funny quagmire-like taste in our mouths and a new tattoo saying 'Bring It On.!' So when he say he doesn't have a problem, that's just a bunch of codependent crap he picked up Richard Perle, who wouldn't know the wagon if it ran over him, am I right? Anyway, so Kim Kimstofferson, Minister of Feelings and Plutonium, tried to arrange an intervention for him with Iran, but Rummie just started screaming 'they're all around me! Scramble the B-2s!' and threw them out of the office. Now we don't know where we stand."
(Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.)
Home Previous Lines of the Day
Most of readers come via humorfeed.com.; If you haven't already been there, go now.