Line of the Day

March 30, 2008

President Bush Throws Out First Pitch at new Nationals Stadium

[Print Monkeys: I am going out of town for the weekend, so I wrote the story beforehand; just run whichever of these happens first:]

–Pentagon refuses to estimate number of dead fans due to repeated air strikes on stands, insists on describing innocent baseball-lovers as “al-Qaeda in DC.”

–Game canceled as thousands of fans stranded by “totally unexpected” flooding of Anacostia River (AKA “High Tide”); FEMA delivers 50,000 copies of new pamphlet “Lazy Minority Freeloader’s Guide to Living Without Plumbing”, 4 bottles of water.

–President ejected from game by home plate umpire after arguing balls, strikes, and existence of WMD.

–President Booed by fans.

–After Bush loses interest in second inning, Iran takes de facto control of stadium, begins executing vendors of pork-based concession foods.

–National Review writes scathing editorial decrying “defeato-Umps” who insist on playing all nine innings before deciding who won game.

–Bill Kristol confidently predicts that Bush will not just be listed as tonight’s winning pitcher, but soon will be drafted by Texas Rangers and become MLB’s first over-50 20-game winner. 

–Color guard gives Bush the finger. 

–John McCain dozes off in first inning; thankful fellow fans are relived not to have to hear endless anecdote about the Polo Grounds “back in the day.”

–Deregulation of concession vendors leads to stampede into complex side-item linked derivatives trade; prices of hot dogs triple in first inning, then confusion over underlying value of securitized gift certificates paralyzes market; Federal reserve seeks to bolster nacho prices, but market for crab cakes collapses and food rots on shelves while fans go hungry.  Mysterious, Tom Joad-like figure seen taking over burger stand and feeding hungry fans. 

–Bush unable to complete ceremonial pitch when he discovers he doesn’t have any balls. 

----------

March 25 BONUS Line of the Day:

Antarctic chunk splinters; huge ice shelf threatened

A piece of Antarctic ice measuring 220 square miles has collapsed, and an ice shelf about the size of Connecticut is "hanging by a thread" [according to CNN].

Nonetheless, the International Association of Realtors insists "this is a great time to buy an ice shelf.”

---

Warning! The Line of the Day is not an authorized infotainment product! It contains material not previously cleared/authored by Karl Rove. By definition, therefore, it is a farrago of lies and pretentious word choices. Only the part in bold is stolen from actual news sources.

Lines of Previous Days

03/24/08    Carville Compares Himself to Saint Peter
03/19/08    Republican Idol Begins Casting
03/08/08    Doug Feith Seeks Mulligan on Iraq
03/02/08    Our Four Part Series on the Obama Drug Craze
02/10/08    Obama Swift Boating Begins: He Was Normal
02/08/08    Hillary Stridently Demands Nobody Feel Sympathy For Her
02/05/08    Bundchen Develops Headache With :10 Left in Fourth Quarter
02/04/08    Dewey Defeats Truman
01/23/08    "President Grandpa" Canceled
01/22/08    Bush League Sounds Better and Better
01/21/08    Hillary Throws Self into Briar patch
01/18/08    Muskrat Blah blah  
10/08/08    Navy Lawyer Promoted to "Civilian"
10/09/06    Google!  Boo!
10/11/06    Justice Runs Out of Ideas
10/12/06    It's Hard Out There For Karl Rove
10/20/06    Rove Sick of 99 Bottles of beer Song
10/26/06    Candidate Sorry to Slime Rival
11/08/06    Rove Seeks New Challenges
 11/12/06    Dems promise to Fail in Bold New Ways
11/17/06    Bo Dies One For The Gipper
11/26/06    Maker of WMD "Sorry"
11/27/06    Sports Stays Classy