Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)
--Juvenal
Metro Glimpses a Flush of the Future
High-Tech Toilet Being Tested At Huntington Offers Riders Relief
By Lyndsey Layton
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, October 9, 2003; Page B01
…The shiny, silver structure that was positively glowing yesterday in a dark corner of the Huntington Metro station [was] the appropriately named Galaxy, a self-cleaning computerized toilet imported from New Zealand. Metro is leasing it as part of a one-year, $109,000 pilot program to bring some relief to subway passengers.
The Galaxy is not your county fair Jiffy John. The six-ton stainless steel box stands inside the fare gates and is available free to anyone who has paid a fare. It measures about 12 feet long and 6 feet wide and features a heated tile floor, a mirror, coat hooks, bright lighting and recordings of soft piano music.
…T. Dana Kauffman, who represents Fairfax on the Metro board, said he wants to see whether the Galaxy attracts new riders to the Huntington Station. "We're trying to increase the ridership among seniors, families with small children and people with incontinence issues," he said. If, after a year, ridership has not measurably increased at that station, "it'll be a hard sell" to keep the Galaxy, he said.
He is encouraged, however, by the success of last year's pilot program to sell 40-ounce bottles of malt liquor in station vending machines. "We wanted to increase ridership among alcoholics, and the '40s really helped," said Kaufmann. "Now we have a healthy sprinkling of filthy, unshaven ambassadors of halitosis in each car."
Asked why Metro would want to attract alcoholics, the incontinent, and the excessively flatulent, which Metro attracted last year with its "Free Burrito" program, Kauffman explained "We've been kind of insecure about the degree to which Washington is a world-class cosmopolitan city, and we finally decided that the squeaky-clean image of Metro was dragging us down in that area. I mean, people were coming her from Des Moines, for God's sake, and telling us they felt comfortable. We had to put a stop to it, so we're taking these measures to make Metro more like the New York Subway system."
Kaufman expressed confidence that with the addition of the special fare for sufferers from Tourette's Syndrome next year "We'll be ready to take New York on their own terms." Those terms include *&$@$#!, "Mo-Fo," and "What are you lookin' at?!?"
(Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.)
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