MUSKRAT NEWS SCIENCE CORNER

USER'S MANUAL

This manual is for the StuffCo H-1 Hydrogen Atom.  It is not to be used with any other element or isotope.

1.  Congratulations on your purchase!  We here at StuffCo ("We make Stuff.  All of It.") hope you enjoy your purchase for many years to come.  The H-1 is our most popular model, and we think you will be pleased by its versatility, ease of use, and colorful emissions spectra.

2.  WARRANTY DISCLAIMER  The Manufacturer hereby disclaims all warrantees, express or implied, including warrantees of merchantability.  In particular, although the StuffCo Hydrogen Atom is manufactured with the finest materials, we do not warrant that it will not split, ionize, or bond inappropriately.  The Proton is covered only for the first 12 months; proton decay more than twelve months after purchase, however unlikely, is not the responsibility of the manufacturer.

3.  ASSEMBLY.  Your package should contain two boxes, labeled A and B.  A contains your proton, B your electron.  Punch open the perforated aperture on Box A.  Carefully open the pour spout on box B and insert it into the aperture on Box A.  Pour the contents of Box B into Box A and shake vigorously.  You should see a photon emerge.  When it does, you have successfully assembled your StuffCo Hydrogen Atom.

4.  USE.  Your StuffCo Hydrogen atom has literally billions of uses.  You may use it to fill the space between stars, inflate zeppelins, or to power fuel-cell vehicles.  You may combine it with our other products such as the StuffCo Oxygen atom to form hydrogen peroxide, the StuffCo Cyanide molecule to make hydrogen cyanide (Warranty does not cover asphyxiation) or simply with another Hydrogen atom to make the H2 Molecule.  Use your imagination!  USE AS A NUCLEAR WEAPONS FUEL OR PARTICLE ACCELERATOR TARGET VIOLATES THE WARRANTY.

5.  Your Hydrogen Atom is shockproof, windproof, and waterproof to 200 feet.  It cannot be scratched or dented, and stains do not stick to it (although it may constitute part of a stain).  It is electrically neutral and will not normally burn.  Nonetheless,  your hydrogen atom is subject to gravity.  As such, storing excessive numbers of hydrogen atoms in confined spaces may cause stellar ignition.  HYDROGEN ATOMS WHICH ARE BURNED IN STELLAR INTERIORS, CONSUMED BY BLACK HOLES OR WHICH ARE LOST DUE TO BEING DROPPED DOWN SEWER GRATES WILL NOT BE REPLACED.

6.  In addition, the StuffCo Hydrogen atom is not compatible with the products of our competitors, Anti-StuffCo.  Use of the competing products voids the warranty, and may result in burns to the hands, eyes and face of the user.

7.  Accessories.  Your StuffCo Hydrogen atom comes equipped with a state of the art proton and electron, but some people choose to accessorize with the StuffCo N-1 Neutron to form the "Deuterium"model.  N-1 sold separately.  We do not recommend adding more than one neutron, and specifically disclaim any responsibility for what happens if you do.

8.  Service.  If the attached electron becomes loose and wobbly, do not panic.  This is know as ionization.  Simply shake the atom vigorously until another photon emerges, and the electron should be firmly back in place.  If it falls off entirely, re-attach with any non-epoxy fasteners, such as wood glue or the Strong Force.

9.  SERVICE WARNING.  DO NOT OPEN THE PROTON.  THERE ARE NO USER-SERVICEABLE LEPTONS INSIDE.  OPENING THE PROTON VOIDS ANY AND ALL WARRANTEES.  SPECIFICALLY, YOU CANNOT FIND PHOTONS INSIDE THE PROTON.  WE KNOW, THEY SEEM TO COME OUT ALL THE TIME, BUT TRUST US, THEY ARE NOT IN THERE.

10.  Please fill in the attached customer registration card.

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Name of purchaser:  GOD

Serial Number of Atom: 123819234912350132650912653081764509817645098123746 0986709182374092187340192865012987650129874560194651278945601294 8756012984750192834650129846501298751203764102873640127893640128 9745619283475019284650861243059876120495861204685983742134891723

Model:  H-1

Would You Like To Receive Information About Our Other Products?  I do not need such information, as I am Omniscient; Furthermore, if you call me at home again I shall smite thee.

Other StuffCo Products You own:  All of them.

Hobbies:  Creation, Redemption, Occasional Plagues.

May We share Your Information With Our Partner Companies?  I have Not Chosen You To Be My Prophet.

E-Mail:  God@Scientology.net.  Just Kidding!

Comments/Suggestions:  Do these come in other colors?