Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)
--Juvenal
US 'error' over Suu Kyi hunger strike
By William Barnes in Bangkok
Published: September 8 2003 5:00
The US made an "honest mistake" in reporting that the Burmese opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi was on a hunger strike, yet fears remain for her well-being, a well-placed diplomat in Rangoon said yesterday.
The US last week reported that Ms Suu Kyi, who has been in military custody for three months, was on hunger strike.
But a Red Cross team, who on Saturday became the first independent observers to meet her since the US made the claims, said she was well and was not fasting.
An American spokesman expressed bafflement over the mistake. "I have no idea where we went wrong," said a White House staffer, wiping mayonnaise off his chin from the Big Mac clutched in one hand. "We had what we thought was highly reliable information that Ms. Suu Kyi was subsisting on a mere 1,700 calories a day, consisting almost entirely of rice, fruit and vegetables." He paused to mop up a small lake of ketchup with a fistful of Freedom Fries. "We heard she weighed, like 110 pounds, soaking wet." After a short choking fit caused his 280-pound frame to wobble like a distant star evoking the presence of an unseen satellite, the spokesman continued. "She must be getting her red meat and her fried foods through some other channels that didn't show up in our reporting. Clearly, if she's eating a regular 2,800 calories, 120-fat-gram diet, and getting her share of chocolate and Coca-Cola products, then we have no need to be concerned."
The interview had to be cut short at that point as the spokesman ran out of breath, exhausted from having wadded up his napkin and throwing it into a trash can already overflowing with diet Coke cans and empty snack packages.
Bonus LOTD:
Bush Shifts War Rationale From Iraqi Arms
Tom Raum, The Associated Press
Washington - President Bush has changed his public rationale for the increasingly costly American military effort in Iraq.
The President claimed reports of WMD in Iraq contained "a typo," and suggested he was entitled to a "Mulligan," a golf term for a penalty-free second shot. Iraq is normally a par-5, but features many, many sand traps and bunkers.
(Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.)
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