Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)
--Juvenal
Baseball: Chicago Cubs Win First Division Title in 14 Years
VOA Sports
28 Sep 2003, 12:49 UTC
The Chicago Cubs earned the eighth and final spot in major-league baseball's post-season playoffs by sweeping a double-header Saturday, while the Houston Astros suffered their second straight loss.
The Cubs won their first division title in 14 years. They beat the visiting Pittsburgh Pirates, 4-2 and 7-2, and Chicago slugger Sammy Sosa crushed his 40th home run of the season.
Houston's 5-2 loss at home to the last-place Milwaukee Brewers gave the Cubs the chance to clinch the National League Central title one day before Sunday's final regular-season games.
The Cubs and Astros had been tied for the division lead as recently as Friday.
The first round of the playoffs, a best-of-five series, begins Tuesday with three games.
…In other news…
Cold Snap in Hell
An unseasonable cold front moved through Hell today, bringing temperatures down to the mid-70s, well below the 6,000 degree average for this time of year. Bel-Shamharoth, spokesman for Satan, speaker to the Damned, and Deputy Chief of Staff for Fulmination, dismissed the unusual weather. "It's a little unusual, but we're expecting a warm front to move through later this week and return us to normal." He dismissed any connection between the weather and the results of the National league Central Race. "Even if the Cubs did beat out the Astros, we have every reason to believe that that they will fall to the Braves, so we don't expect any more unusual weather."
Nonetheless, observers reported seeing Satan packing mulch around some of his more delicate ornamental plants in case temperatures dropped any further. Also, supplies of rock salt have reportedly been diverted from the Pit of Scourging and Wound Rubbing to the Department of Roads, Pathways and Good intentions. A clerk at the Hellville Home Depot reported seeing a delegation of minor imps pricing snow blowers and snow shovels, but said they left without making any purchases.
The rumors have spread rapidly through the population of Damned Souls, with much discussion of the possibility of a Snow Day should the Cubs in fact win the World Series. However, the sub-devil in charge of scheduling reports that, in the event of a snow day, federal regulations require the time to be made up, probably by adding extra days of suffering onto the end of eternity. Still, even some of the Greater Minions are speaking darkly of the day they will only refer to as "The Coming of the Zamboni."
(Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.)
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