Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)
--Juvenal
Army Seizes Power in Guinea-Bissau
By Alberto Dabo
Reuters
Sunday, September 14, 2003; 9:54 AM
Army chief of staff General Verissimo Correia Seabra declared himself interim president after the apparently bloodless dawn putsch, the latest in a series of uprisings to hit President Kumba Yalla's administration.
"I am going to assume the presidency of the republic until there are elections," Correia told Portuguese state television.
Guinea-Bissau, about the size of Taiwan, is one of the world's poorest nations with a population of some 1.3 million, scraping by on an average $170 a year each. It has been gripped by an economic crisis since a 1998-1999 army revolt.
Troops carrying automatic weapons and rocket-propelled grenade launchers patrolled the center of the capital Bissau. No shooting was heard, but shops and businesses remained shuttered.
Correia said the army had dissolved all state institutions and set up a military committee to restore democracy. The army has not set a date for elections but is due to meet the government later on Sunday.
"As a person, I have nothing against Kumba Yalla...He can stay in Guinea-Bissau as well as leave the country," he said.
Analysts pointed out that the it would normally be difficult for one person to both "stay in Guinea-Bissau as well as leave the country," but noted that Presidents ousted in West African coups are often more flexible in their corporeal status. In fact, they often attending or starring in parades in several different parts of the capital city, or even in several different cities, at once.
General Correia denied that anyone had been or would be hurt in the coup, saying "I don't have time to be shooting people and chopping their limbs off in the streets. I have a country to run. I have a cabinet to form, policies to decide on, and traitors to be shot, after which we hack their limbs off in the streets." Asked if the last statement didn't contradict the first, Correia replied "You wouldn't ask that if you weren't safely in Portugal at the other end of the phone line."
The CIA World Factbook entry for Guinea-Bissau describes the place as "A Real pest-ridden hellhole, fit only for convicts, madmen, and … did we say convicts already?" The Factbook goes on to note that the Guinea-Bissau is a prime exemplar of the so-called "Guinea+4 rule," which states roughly that any county with the word "Guinea" in its name, or the name of which contains only four letters, is completely unsuited to civilized life and should be avoided at all costs. "Peru, Chad, Togo, Equatorial Guinea, Cuba, Iraq... stop me when I get to a garden spot," said Slipcase von Pullover, Editor of Reluctant Traveler Magazine. "Laos, Mali, Iraq… all bad." When asked if Oman was not in fact a relatively decent place, especially when compared to Saudi Arabia, he replied "Oooohhh - sand dunes. Fun."
In the meantime, the new military government is thinking strongly about having lunch.
(Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.)
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