JOHN MARKOFF AND ANDREW ROSS SORKIN; The New York Times
Wall Street is not the only one wooing Google. Microsoft is as well.
Google, the highflying Silicon Valley Web search company, recently began holding meetings with bankers in preparation for its highly anticipated initial public offering as it was still engaged in meetings of another kind: exploring a merger with Redmond-based Microsoft Corp.
According to company executives and others briefed on the discussions, Microsoft - desperate to capture a slice of the popular and ad-generating search business - approached Google within the last two months to discuss the possibility of a takeover.
While the overture appears to have gained little traction - Google indicated it preferred the initial offering route, the executives said - it demonstrates the enormous importance that Google represents as both a competitive threat to Microsoft and as Silicon Valley's latest hope for a new financial boom.
Though seemingly spurned, Microsoft might still be interested in pursuing Google at a later date, according to an executive briefed on the discussions.
Google would not comment directly on the talks, but a spokesman clarified that even if the initial public offering was unsuccessful, it would prefer to pursue other options before assenting to a takeover bid from Microsoft. Specifically, the following were listed as options preferable to being absorbed by Microsft:
--Castration
--Sale to White Slavers as galley slaves
--Redesign of Google sites by Stalin-Era Soviet Architects
--Reassignment of Google staff to Muskrat News
--Forced all-Broccoli diet for Google coders
--Replacement of Google employee's Ethernet Access lines and terminals with 300-baud line printers
--Re-do of Google code to direct all search results to "King of Queens" web site
--Pounding Headaches for life, with by nausea and abdominal cramps
--Takeover of Google by teamsters
--Takeover of Google by coders' ex-jock classmates, now fat, bald, and hostile about lack of stock options.
As a precautionary measure, Google has asked a local magistrate to issue a restraining order directing Microsoft to keep at least 200 feet away from Google at all times. "Microsoft says it's no big deal," said Google's girlfriend Stepahnie, "but I heard Microsoft has like a shrine to Google in its bedroom, with lots of pictures pasted on the wall, and people say he sits around all day entering "Microsoft" into the Goggle search box.
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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