Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)
--Juvenal
Cubs 5, Braves 1
PAUL NEWBERRY, AP Sports Writer
(10-05) 20:17 PDT ATLANTA (AP) --
Ninety-five years of frustration. Ninety-five years of ridicule. Put it all to rest. The Chicago Cubs are postseason winners.
Kerry Wood pitched another dominating game and Aramis Ramirez began the celebration with a mammoth home run, pushing the Cubs past Atlanta 5-1 in the decisive Game 5 Sunday night for their first postseason series victory since the 1908 World Series.
The franchise that endured the College of Coaches and the curse of a goat moves on to play Florida in the NL championship series. Game 1 is Tuesday night at Wrigley Field.
In other news:
Frost Warning in Hell
The Infernal Weather Service today issued a frost warning for the Nether Regions, saying that overnight temperatures may dip briefly below 32 degrees some time in the next week or two. "We advise Demons and Succubi to remember to insulate plumbing to prevent burst pipes, and be careful to bring pets in from outside. Many of the lesser imps and gremlins do not withstand cold well, and should be kept inside if the temperature is expected to go below freezing." Nonetheless, the effect of any frost is expected to be mild. "Yes, we are experiencing unusually cold temperatures this year," said Abizael Bel-Shamharoth, "But the effects should be short-lived. We don't grow many crops here, so we won't lose much income, and the rivers of fire should be fine unless we get heavy rain as well as frost. The lava beds will continue to operate, if somewhat sluggishly."
Inferno-meteorologist Ronnie Woo begged to differ. "Snow will cover the landscape, the chattering of teeth will be like the noise of a million typewriters, and the fingers of the beast shall go numb, yeah even if he blows on them with his breath of damnation." Kaa-Tranius, Overlord of Sins, attempted to glare at this news, but was seen staring at his scaly, claw-like fingers and pursing his lips. He was later seen in the Hell City CVS Drugstore, asking for "Enough chap-stik for two large, leathery wings."
Asked about last week's confident prediction that the cold front in question would pass by and allow a return to normal temperatures, Bel-Shamharoth, Speaker of Lies and SpinMonster, was curt. "First, it's not freezing yet. It's barely below 50, and it's not going any lower. Second, if it does go that low, you'll be begging to be thrown into the lake of fire. So don't come whining to me when you get chilblains."
(Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.)
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