18:00 12 November 03
NewScientist.com news service
The thick ice sheets many astronomers thought were hidden in some of the Moon's craters almost certainly do not exist, according to observations from the world's biggest radar.
The 300-metre Arecibo dish in Puerto Rico was used to bounce radio waves into dark craters at the Moon's north and south poles. Sunlight never reaches the bottom of these craters, meaning ice could survive there.
The new data does not rule out ice altogether. The experiment would only detect ice sheets more than a metre thick. Any thinner deposits, or small ice crystals distributed in the lunar dust, would have remained undetected.
Nonetheless, it is bad news for proponents of a Moon base, who have argued that readily available water would make such a base easier to set-up.
"Damn, we were so close," lamented Ferris Jungblatt of Romeoville, OH, who has had his name legally changed to "Obi-Wan Jungblatt." "All we needed was a budget the size of the Pentagon's and a reason to go there, and we would have been ready to start work on Moonbase Alpha. But now that there's no ice, who knows?"
Experts agreed that the lack of exploitable water-ice reserves would be a significant barrier to colonization of Moon, surpassing such known obstacles as a Shuttle Fleet that tends to explode, the lack of even a shred of economic rationale for establishing such a base, and the possible existence of cable-chewing Moon Rats.
Science Weirdos all over North America were reported to be bereaved at the smashing of their hopes that the movie "2001" might come true, albeit a few years late. Sales of Star Wars-themed comfort food were at near record levels, and theaters are preparing extra showings of "Lord of Rings: The Two Towers" to placate the angry crowds.
NASA, however, rushed to reassure the public that billions of dollars would continue to be spent on scientifically dubious and highly dangerous attempts to make man at home in outer space. "Frankly, the Astronaut corps is chomping at the bit to get back into space and start work on the Moon base. We're even working a redesign of the shuttle that will simply explode on the launch pad instead of flying through the air first, which should cut the turnaround times between missions."
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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