Monkeys Control Robotic Arm With Brain Implants By Rick Weiss Washington Post Staff Writer Monday, October 13, 2003; Page A01 Scientists in North Carolina have built a brain implant that lets monkeys control a robotic arm with their thoughts, marking the first time that mental intentions have been harnessed to move a mechanical object. The technology could someday allow people with paralyzing spinal cord injuries to operate machines or tools with their thoughts as naturally as others today do with their hands. It might even allow some paralyzed people to move their own arms or legs again, by transmitting the brain's directions not to a machine but directly to the muscles in those latent limbs. The brain implants could also allow scientists or soldiers to control, hands-free, small robots that could perform tasks in inhospitable environments or in war zones. In the new experiments, monkeys with wires running from their brains to a robotic arm were able to use their thoughts to make the arm perform tasks. But before long, the scientists said, they will upgrade the implants so the monkeys can transmit their mental commands to machines wirelessly. "We're proud of the work we've done here," said Doctor HeeHaw McSlappy, Director of Bad Ideas.  "The fact that the monkey used the mechanical arm to do nothing but throw feces, touch himself, and strangle a custodian in no way invalidates the results of the test.  In fact, if anything they show the robustness and versatility of they technique." The University next plans to use the technique on a human volunteer, Dr. Crypto, the criminal mastermind who has been paralyzed since his battle with superhero The Iron Duke.  Asked how they could be sure that Dr. Crypto would not use his newfound mobility and mechanically-augmented strength to, e.g., escape from the prison ward and wreak havoc on Durham, Dr. McSlappy said "Well, we'll have a guard, Leroy.  He's retiring tomorrow, but he's as sharp as ever once he's had his coffee." A Pentagon spokesman agreed.  "Research of this type has been funded by DOD for a long time, because of the great value in perfecting the mind-machine interface and because of the virtual impossibility that anything could go wrong with it.  Once we have the pilots wired into the flight control and weapons-release systems, the odds of them having a stray thought are virtually nil.  Men never get distracted, or bored after all."  He then excused himself, saying "We have a little problem in Durham with Dr. Crypto." (Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.) Home                                                                                                     Previous Lines of the Day