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U.S. Missile Defense Agency, Washington, DC
December 9, 2003
The Department of Defense announced today that the Missile Defense Agency (MDA) has awarded a … contract to Lockheed Martin Space Systems Co., Denver, Colo., for the MDA Targets and Countermeasures Program … to develop, test and verify ballistic missile defense system performance [for systems] including the Airborne Laser, the Kinetic Energy Interceptor, the Ground-based Midcourse Defense, the Aegis Ballistic Missile Defense, the Patriot Advanced Capability 3 and the Theater High Altitude Area Defense (THAAD)…The ACME Warhead-swatter, the Rosary Bead Manipulation Terminal Phase Intervention Plea Machine, the ACME Missile-seeking Pigeon, the Peril-Sensitive Sunglass Program, and the Swamp-Based National Muskrat Defense Hammer.
Lockheed, which also makes several of the proposed interceptor systems, including the PAC-3 and the Airborne Laser, was asked if it might not be a conflict of interest to make the targets and decoys, whose performance and characteristics might determine the outcome of testing of Lockheed's other systems. Company Spokesman Slick Willie Strangelove chuckled and said "You don't realize how competitive engineers can be. Not only will they work hard to defeat each other's designs, but they'll be slashing each other's tires before long. In the end, if anything, Lockheed will be competing with itself. Why, we may have ourselves our own little arms race here, like when we were building both the F-16 and the early Patriot. We lost some good men during the 'competitive testing' period."
Others are more skeptical. Elwood Bushrod of the Bushrod Institute of Technology and VCR Repair said "If the decoys work too well, the whole premise of missile defense is called into question. I have to think Lockheed won't put it's best people on the decoy team. I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't interns, or maybe temps from the steno pool."
"I can't comment on the specifics of personnel decisions," said Strangelove in reply, "But Lockheed always does its best, and all of our people are good. The fact that some of them have yet to learn English is irrelevant. We believe strongly in promoting from within, and previous experience on the janitorial staff should not be seen as a stigma for a professional technical career. Just because they won't have PhD's like the engineers in the warhead or booster missile programs does not mean that their GEDs don't represent a lot of hard work. The detailed-oriented outlook you pick up in retail sales is a great tool for a successful engineer. For Mr. Bushrod to imply that a decade of itinerant crop-harvesting or a previous career as a crack dealer is no background for an engineer is just, well, it's just racist, that's all."
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