Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)
--Juvenal
By Glenn Kessler
Washington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, September 24, 2003; Page A01
UNITED NATIONS, Sept. 23 -- In his speech today to the U.N. General Assembly, President Bush tried to walk a fine line between defending a war deeply unpopular in much of the world and begging for help from reluctant countries to rebuild Iraq. The result left diplomats and lawmakers puzzled about his ultimate intentions.
Bush, in fact, sidestepped direct answers to many of the questions that have arisen since the administration said it would seek a Security Council resolution that would expand the United Nations' role in Iraq and call on countries to contribute more troops and money. How quickly would the United States grant sovereignty to the Iraqis? Would the administration grant any decision-making role to the United Nations in exchange for its imprimatur? Or does the administration simply want assistance without giving up much in return?
In Bush's most direct plea for assistance, he declared, "Every young democracy needs the help of friends. Now the nation of Iraq needs and deserves our aid, and all nations of goodwill should step forward and provide that support."
Administration officials expressed puzzlement at the lack of a response. "He gets up in front of American businessmen, mouths a few vague platitudes, and the money comes in so fast we can barely count it," said Karl Rove. "But these guys are all sitting on their hands. Don't they want to see Bush re-elected?"
Delegates at the UN may have had trouble understanding parts of the President's presentation, including the many references to the book of Revelations, brush-clearing on his ranch, and particularly the three-minute segment in the middle of the speech when the President attempted to use a series of sock puppets to dramatize his view of the war on terror.
If the UN speech fails to produce enough pledges of troops and funds, Bush is expected to hit the rubber chicken circuit, holding a series of $50,000,000-a-plate dinners for potential donor nations.
Asked what incentive other nations would have to help the United States deal with Iraq, Rove replied "Aren't they patriotic? Don't they support their commander in chief?" When reminded that Bush was not in fact the commander in chief of anything other than the United States military - not even of U.S. civilians - Rove spluttered "Stop! Stop saying bad things about daddy!"
(Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.)
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