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By BRIAN KNOWLTON and DAVID STOUT, www.nytimes.com
WASHINGTON, Dec. 16 - Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said today that the Central Intelligence Agency would be in charge of interrogating Saddam Hussein, and he strongly defended the treatment of the former Iraqi leader since his capture Saturday as legal, proper and humane.
"They have the competence in that area, they have professionals in that area, they know the means that we have in terms of counterterrorism, they know the threads that have to come up through the needlehead," he said.
Report of Interrogation
To: Chief
From: Agent Binky
Subject: Interrogation of Prisoner
Prisoner continues to be uncooperative. He repeatedly says things like "I watch Law and Order, and I want my lawyer." We have explained to him that, as a Prisoner of Special Status, Tyrant (PSST), he does not get a lawyer, but he continues to insist that he wants Johnnie Cochran. He then typically does his Jimmy Cagney impression and then asks "What time is 'Shawshank Redemption' showing?".
He insists that he does not posses weapons of Mass Destruction, and when we tell him we know that he does, he looks tired, and says "Then where are they, Genius? Because I sure don't know." He then asks how we are dealing with the "Bomber Gap," which is apparently some kind of historical reference that we are looking into.
Prisoner may be delusional, as he continues to tell us that the Soviet Union will collapse soon, which is of course nonsense, and that North Korea is building a missile. As if!
Per instructions, we have not yet resorted to torture, but we have attempted to use privileges as a means of control, offering him, e.g., a shower and clean clothes in exchange for any information on his other hideouts. His only response is to offer to let our families live if we let him go immediately.
Subject does not appear to appreciate the seriousness of his situation, and apparently believes that he has some kind of affinity with the President. Told he faces 250,000 individual counts of murder, he merely scoffs and refers to President Bush's own fondness for the Death Penalty, saying "What's he going to do? Shoot me because I didn't give people lawyers? He executed man a whose lawyer slept through the trial, for Allah's sake.! He giggled about killing Karla Faye Tucker! He's my kind of guy."
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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