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By Brian Bennett/Baghdad
Sunday, Dec. 14, 2003
Saddam Hussein was captured on Sunday without a fight. But since then, according to a U.S. intelligence official in Iraq, the fallen dictator has been defiant. "He's not been very cooperative," said the official, who read the transcript of the initial interrogation report taken during the first questioning session.
After his capture, Saddam was taken to a holding cell at the Baghdad Airport. He didn't answer any of the initial questions directly, the official said, and at times seemed less than fully coherent. The transcript was full of "Saddam rhetoric type stuff," said the official who paraphrased Saddam's answers to some of the questions. When asked "How are you?" said the official, Saddam responded, "I am sad because my people are in bondage." When offered a glass of water by his interrogators, Saddam replied, "If I drink water I will have to go to the bathroom and how can I use the bathroom when my people are in bondage?"
Judging from the early pictures, there are many things Saddam has been unable to do while his people are in bondage, including shaving, bathing, and using shampoo. We surmise that Saddam left all the shampoo in one of the 57 presidential palaces. We know we always forget something when we're going on road trips, and we're usually not being chased by the 82nd Airborne.
But back to the bathroom problem. We admit this is a puzzler, but we have talked about it around the office and we have some suggestions:
--Think relaxing thoughts. Think of a waterfall or a rushing stream.
--Think of a team of your own thugs repeatedly beating you in the area of your kidneys. That won't make it easier to use the bathroom (in fact it may make it very painful), but it can make your urine turn interesting blood-related colors.
--Ask the American guards nicely to "beat the crap out of" you. Americans are very polite and will likely oblige.
--Ask your captors to "give you some privacy"; see if you can sneak out the bathroom window to re-start your homicidal reign of terror.
--Remind yourself it doesn't have to be solid gold to be a real toilet.
--Ask the American guards if any of them Are Jewish, and if one is, ask him how they managed to pee during the whole "Diaspora" thing. Then kill him, put on his uniform, and escape.
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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