Muskrat News Research Reports

Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)

Musharraf offers to lend Bush WMD

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, on a recent official visit to Washington, is said to have offered the use of Pakistani WMD to the administration in place of the Iraqi WMD that is proving so elusive.  "He's basically offering to lend us some 'smoking guns,' which we could certainly use right now," said one source.  "If those Friggin' Iraqis were half this helpful we wouldn't have had to go blitzkrieg on their asses."  Others took a more nuanced tone, but made much the same point.  "Musharraf realizes the importance of close ties to Washington in the post- 9/11 era," said one Former Ambassador to Pakistan Flangewheel Wellington, "and he's gone further than past Pakistani leaders have in seeking to aid American efforts.  He's allowed transit of Pakistani airspace, coordinated military activity with coalition forces inside Afghanistan, and actively cracked down on Muslim militant groups inside Pakistan.  This offer is just one more attempt to be helpful, by lending us some of the nuclear, biological and chemical 'smoking guns' that we have so far failed to some out in Iraq." 

Others agree.  "Bush is under increasing fire for the administration's failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq," noted NPR commentator Ernesto "Che" Woodsall.  "Neither biological, chemical, nor nuclear weapons have been found, which is calling into question the rationale for the war.  Ironically, Pakistan has plenty of WMD - it not only has an announced its nuclear weapons program, but has actually exploded test warheads.  According to the
Arms Control Association, 'the Pentagon believes that Pakistan's nuclear weapons are stored in component form; and like India, they could assemble weapons fairly quickly,' not to mention the fact that Pakistan also has the 'ability to support [a] limited biological weapons research and development effort,' and 'has imported chemicals that it could use to make chemical weapons agent.'   It doesn't take a genius to see that Pakistan is in a position to be a big help here."

Indeed, commentators agree that the loan of a few kilograms of enriched uranium, or even a fully-constructed nuclear warhead that could be "discovered" in Iraq would be "a real morale-booster" for the administration, according to Heinz Fleshwound of the Tri-Latte Commission.  "Nobody would believe it if we stumbled across a W-88 warhead marked 'Made in Los Alamos,' but the Pakistani stuff is probably covered in Arabic or Chinese, either of which would be credible for an Iraqi program.  Also, any BW or CW samples would be welcome."

Pakistan has reportedly not included its WMD-capable ballistic missile delivery systems in the offer, citing low inventories and fear that shipping and handling might damage the temperamental technologies.  "It took two hundred East Asian techs to get the first test launches to work," said one unnamed official, "and they're afraid to tamper with the few missiles they have left in stock."

The Pakistani leader reportedly made the offer at Camp David, asking only that Pakistan have the material back in time for the summer showdown with India.  The Bush team is reportedly mulling the offer, but may ask to defer it until the next invasion, as "finding" so much evidence so long after Iraq was subdued might look suspicious.  "We'll keep it in our pocket for Iran, or Syria," said one White House staffer.  "That way we'll have a nice short news cycle between statue-toppling and weapons discovery."

In any case, the offer is said to have helped cement relations between the two leaders.  "Bush is a strong believer in personal relations, and in the importance of standing by one's friends," said a source close to someone who once visited the White House, "That Pakistan would be willing to share this material with us shows not only that Pakistan's WMD program is a thousand times more real than Iraq's, but that it's OK, because the current owner is a regular guy.  Of course, it also shows that Bush couldn't recognize irony if it came up and gave him a big, wet kiss, but we already knew that."

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