June, 2002
Mrs. A.B Treaty, known to her friends and enemies as ABM, passed away yesterday. Although the official cause of death was Abrogation, some old friends insisted that she had in fact been murdered. She was twenty-nine years old.
Daughter of a family nearly as famous and as troubled as the Kennedys, ABM led a turbulent and often topical life. Conceived as the improbable love child of President Nixon and Soviet Premier Brezhnev, ABM was born on October 3, 1972. Hailed at the time with a neo-religious fervor, she was often referred to as "the cornerstone of strategic stability," a title she refused to use herself, and which in any case was hotly contested by her stepbrother, Offensive Stalemate.
Miss Treaty was married at birth, following the custom of her tribe, to SALT I. However, she soon divorced him when she fell in love with his son, SALT II. That engagement, however, had to be broken off when the bridegroom became seriously ill and lapsed into a coma. Although never officially pronounced dead, Mr. II is not expected to recover. Mrs. Treaty had no children; her closest living relative is START I; her cousin INF is currently in a retirement home near Barking Sands Test Range in Hawaii, from which he occasionally emerges to shout "it's all compliant!!"
(The newest member of the clan, Moscow Treaty, a clone from tissue samples from the corpse of START II and an unnamed Backstreet Boy, is currently on tour. His manager insists that despite the use of some leftover velociraptor DNA from Jurassic Park, there is essentially no chance that he will turn out to be either a ravenous, flesh-eating monster, or a deeply schizophrenic, essentially uninterpretable Treaty.)
Mrs. Treaty's career suffered from numerous ups and downs. Hailed at birth, she fell into obscurity for years, although she continued to tour, mostly playing to small delegations in Geneva. She switched talent agencies in 1980 to the Reagan agency, which attempted to re-launch her public career when she was 13 with the much-anticipated "Broad Interpretation" tour, which nonetheless turned out to be a colossal failure. An episode of VH-l's "Behind the Treaty Text" chronicled her descent into Beaujolais addiction and her constant shouting matches with the Pentagon. She was last in the public eye earlier this year when the Bush Administration transferred her to Camp X-Ray on the grounds that she "looked suspicious" and "had a funny accent."
As noted above, not all of her friends accept the coroner?s report that her sideswiping by an unmarked car on a poorly-lit political street corner was an accident, or that the presence of a military-issue 9mm slug (Engraved "BMDO Gift Shop") in the back of her head was a coincidence. Where many see her death as an inevitable consequence of her refusal to change with the time or pay attention to political cross-walk signs, others see foul play. "She was trying to get back into the action-- she'd gone to her twelve-step program and was willing to be demarcated if it would help her career," said longtime fan Arms Control Today. "But they didn't give her time. I think it was a hit, and I think we all know who was responsible."
Nonetheless, Vice-President Cheney, who startled some at the wake by attempting to drive a wooden stake through the heart of Mrs. Treaty's corpse, was emphatic that there had been no foul play. "Although I cannot give you any details of the events, you can assume she got a fair and impartial judgment from the tribunal, assuming there was one, which I can't confirm." Asked if he was confirming that Mrs. Treaty had in fact been executed by the administration, Cheney replied "Habla Espanol? Te Gustan palm trees and sand? No? Then shut the heck up."