In light of recent stories about what The U.S. response will be to various provocations, the Pentagon has supplied the following list of authorized responses to units deployed overseas in a handy laminated pocket-card format:
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Problem: |
U.S. Response: |
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Nuke |
Nuke |
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Gas |
Nuke |
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Bio |
Nuke |
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Smuggle Scuds |
Seize Scuds |
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Conventional SRM attack |
Launch Patriot |
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Long-range missile |
Pray |
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Oaths |
Slapfest |
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Curses |
Insults |
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Artillery |
Counter-battery fire |
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Human Wave Attack |
Massed artillery |
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Land mines, theirs |
High-tech mine clearance; tank plows |
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Land Mines, ours |
Blame |
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Invade |
Invade |
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Election in 2004 |
Invade |
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Wolfowitz Bad Hair Day |
Invade |
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Halliburton Audit |
Invade |
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Armored Thrust |
Helicopter Gunships, airstrikes |
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Uppity Minorities |
Elect Strom |
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Nuclear Proliferation, Iaqi |
Invade |
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Nuclear Proliferation, Korean |
Ponder |
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Nuclear Proliferation, Pakistani |
Scold |
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Nuclear Proliferation, Israeli |
Ignore |