Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)
--Juvenal
Bush to OPEC Don't 'Hurt Our Economy'
Thu September 25, 2003 05:57 PM ET
By Adam Entous
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - One day after OPEC's surprise decision to cut oil supplies, President Bush pressed Saudi Arabia and other cartel members on Thursday not to act in ways that threaten the U.S. economy.
The president's highly unusual message to OPEC underscored the administration's concerns about the potential impact of higher energy prices on the nation's fragile economic recovery in the run-up to next year's presidential election.
"My reaction is that I would hope our friends in OPEC don't do things that would hurt our economy," Bush told reporters at the White House when asked about OPEC's decision, which could raise fuel costs this winter.
White House spokesman Scott McClellan said the administration was consulting OPEC members, who control half the world's oil trade, and asserted that "market forces" should determine oil prices.
"Oil prices should be determined by market forces so that we can ensure adequate supplies. Producing and consuming countries both have an interest in ample, affordable energy supplies," McClellan said. "Obviously we have ongoing and regular consultations with major oil producers around the world and those continue."
The administration is reportedly baffled by the OPEC move. "We don't understand why they would do this when they know our economy is in a precarious state," said McClellan. "it's almost like they dislike us or something."
OPEC insiders discounted the notion. "Dislike them? America? Do not be of a humorous vein!" Exclaimed Hijaz al-Frenzied, of the Saudi Ministry of Religious Intolerance. "We are loving you heathen, infidel piglets. We are very much looking forward to the day when we enslave you."
NAFTA Sadr Badr, if the Iranian Ministry of Oil, Petroleum, and Troublemaking agreed. "Why would you think the constant thinly-veiled threats of invasion make any difference in the way we feel about the great Satan? We have loved you ever since the CIA began its incessant attempts to overthrow our government."
Some disagreed, however. "I'm not sure we love America entirely," said Hector Hernandez of the Venezuelan Ministry of Oil and Angry Protest Marches. "We've been kind of pissed off ever since they announced their support for the last coup an hour before it started. Not that we're suspicious or we're holding a grudge or anything."
The Dubai Minister for Shopping Malls and Duty-Free Petroleum-scented cologne also suggested that "if one more GI on leave tries to grope one of our women, we're going to get pissed. Just because a woman is provocatively displaying her… well…her .. height.. is no reason to treat her like some kind of Omani hooker. One more groping incident and oil will go to $30 a barrel."
Even Iraq is getting on board. "Frankly, somebody needs to teach America a lesson," said Paul Bremer, interim leader of Iraq. "I just spent the day on Capital Hill taking crap from Congress, and you know what? I think somebody needs to see what it feels like to pay $5 a gallon for their gas-guzzlers."
(Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.)
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