Muskrat News Legal Briefs

News reports indicate that the current text of the Federal Marriage Amendment suffered from a possible drafting error-it would possibly ban all civil unions as well as same-sex marriages.  This may or may not have been intended by its framers.  Nonetheless, in order to avoid any possible ambiguity, which the Supreme Court would clamp onto like Dick Cheney onto an abandoned Iraqi erlenmeyer flask, certain Republicans have done some re-drafting, which we have obtained a copy of. 

The Federal Marriage Amendment, v. 3.02.18


Section 1.  For all purposes under law, the term "marriage" shall be defined as the union of:

a.  One (1) live, conscious,  mentally competent heterosexual human male above the age of consent in the state in which the marriage is performed, and who is not currently married; and

b.  One (1) live, conscious, mentally competent heterosexual human female above the age of consent in the state which the marriage is performed and who is also not currently married; provided that

c.  neither of the persons in subsections a or b of this section are related to each other in a degree of consanguinity forbidden by the laws of the state in which their marriage is performed.

d.  No disparity of age, degree of celebrity, wealth, family pedigree, IQ, degree of erudition, lifestyle, education, religious beliefs, sexual chemistry, mutual linguistic incomprehension, recreational pharmaceutical consumption rates, or literary or cultural tastes shall be a legal bar to the formation of a valid marriage, but it shall be a felony for Anne Heche to change her mind again (see "definitions" section). 

Section 2.  Any marriage that does not meet the definition in paragraph 1 is null and void, and shall not be honored by any state or federal entity, regardless of the Full Faith and Credit Clause, or the laws of any other country.

Section 3.  States may choose to recognize certain forms of reciprocal rights and obligations in non-marriage unions.  Each state is free to recognize or not to recognize such arrangements, and each is free to acknowledge and implement the arrangements made by other states.  However, none shall be compelled to do so, even if those bastards in California try to slip it in as a matter of contract law or something.  We know gay trickery when we see it, and we're not going to be fooled by 'powers of attorney' and 'health care decision proxy forms.'

Section 4.  (Something about babies - working on text with Rove - says we need to be careful of Catholic vote). 

Section 5.  No dictionary, thesaurus, gazetteer or crossword puzzle used or transported in interstate commerce may use the word "marriage" to refer to unions not meeting the definition in paragraph 1. 

Section 6.  The literary use of the term "marriage" in any dictionary, thesaurus, gazetteer, crossword puzzle, novel, short story, screenplay, play, poem, song or VCR instruction manual used or transported in interstate commerce to mean "joining together" shall be restricted to mean the joining together of exactly two (2) things, which are of a similar class, category, or species, but which differ in respect to gender, size, personality or other innate characteristic.  Close calls will be resolved by the Federal Innuendo Review Board and appropriate revisions will be implemented by the Naked Statue Police.

Section 7.  It shall be a felony to tell children that Bert and Ernie are gay.

Section 8.  The Fourteenth Amendment's extension of "equal protection under the law" shall not be interpreted by any state or federal court, or pundit, talking head or columnist whose views are available in or transmitted via interstate commerce, to be in conflict with this amendment.

Section 9.  This is nothing like inter-racial marriages, so just drop that Loving v. Virginia crap right now.  I'm talking to you, Justice Stevens.

Section 10.  Definitions: 

"Human" shall mean any member of the species homo sapiens, whether born or cloned.  For purposes of this amendment, the terms of the Clones Are People Too Act will apply, and each phenotypic expression of the same set of genes will be accorded the status of a separate individual.  Domestic animals shall not be included, however cleverly costumed, even if they "understand you better than actual people" or "get just as lonely as people do." 

"Male" shall mean any human born with one X and one or two Y chromosomes and male genitalia. 

"Female" shall mean persons born with two or more X Chromosomes and female genitalia.

Post-operative transsexuals, persons born with malformed or duplicate genitalia, and Richard Simmons will be classified by the Federal Gender Classification Board.  Decisions of the Board shall be appealable under existing law.  Under no circumstances is the Board or any Board member to be referred to as the "Sex Police."

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