Gossip-prone Celebrity The Cat In The Hat was arrested Sunday on charges of indecency with a kitten, and quickly released on a bond set at Three Million Dollars and a pound of catnip. He has been charged with one count of "infelicitous behavior" and one of "taking indecent liberties with a kitten." The so-called "King of Pop-on-Top" did not make a statement.
Cartoon Police spokesman Christopher Jones declined to give details of the alleged transgressions, saying only that the police had a cooperating witness and believed the charges would "stick to his furry hide like a gob of chewing gum." Insiders report that the charges include the improper tongue cleaning of a kitten under the legal age. Police are reported to be looking into the disappearance of Stuart Little as well, but no charges have been filed in that case.
Earlier this weekend, police were seen searching Hat's residence, a multi-million dollar cardboard box in the garage of Michael Jackson's estate. The box is lavishly furnished with cat toys, catnip, and a sleeping pillow in the shape of a giant tongue that he bought at a Rolling Stones estate sale.
Hat has been a controversial figure in the entertainment world for years. His obsession with plastic surgery has been the subject of speculation and ridicule. Some believe that deep-seated psychospeciesist trauma has caused him to flee from his own species by cultivating the ability to walk bipedally and speak. Others see him as confused by his half-black, half white nature, unable to reconcile his buffoonish Jesse-Jackson-style rhyming with respect for his black fur.
This is not the first time Hat has been in trouble with the law. Accusations of improper transportation of kittens by the scruff of the neck were dismissed years ago amidst rumors of a large payoff to the kitten's family. He has since admitted to British tabloids that he sometimes falls asleep in children's laps, a practice that scandalizes some.
Nonetheless, Hat has his supporters, including Hollywood pals Alf, Liza Minelli, Robert Blake and Kobe Bryant. He also received bouquets of flowers and salmon-and-cream gift baskets from the presidents of CNN and MSNBC, who have been concerned about declining ratings ever since the charges against Michael Jackson were dropped as being "too gross to prosecute." Several cable networks are already gearing up for 24-hour coverage, with at least one anchor visibly straining to make each line rhyme.
After posting bail, Hat returned via private jet-powered cartoon car to Las Vegas, where he is in the process of shooting a TV pilot, "Cat's Eye for the Shaggy Guy," in which he invades the life of one randomly-chosen dog each week, teaching the canine how to control its owner through indifference and mind games, how to groom itself, and how to enforce pet food brand demands.
His lawyer, Thing One, denied all the charges, saying "My client is innocent, and eagerly awaits his chance to prove it. He's just heartsick that he can't explain what he was doing in the soundproofed room with the two kittens, the velvet collar set, the leather bustier, the handcuffs, and the boy scout uniforms, but unfortunately we haven't decided which alibi we're going to use yet, so you'll just have to wait."
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part. Usually. Today it's all fake, because if you don't get the antecedent, well, you're a lucky person.
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