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Muskrats Released From Guantanamo
Washington, January 2, 2004
(ISNA) The editorial staff of the Muskrat News was released from federal detention at Guantanamo Bay today, ending speculation surrounding a recent lapse in publication, but raising new doubts about the administration's methods in its war on terror.
The staff appeared to be under some stress, as many stared blankly into space and all of the males sported scruffy beards in addition to a generally unkempt look to their government issue orange jumpsuits, but a Marine spokesman denied any mistreatment. "They looked like that when they got here," said Major Hepzibah Willikins. "They were fed Islamic food and allowed to pray to Mecca five times a day, which for some reason they kept resisting, but we didn't want anybody to say were denying them their hokey little religious rituals, so we beat them into praying on schedule."
Speculation had been rife since the publications' microscopic readership had noticed that no new articles had been written since December 22. Hematocyte Spindlethrift, 34, an itinerant train spotter who makes up 33% of the Muskrat News readership on most days, recalled that "I just figured they had spent their annual bonuses on ether and vicodin, and would start writing again when they sobered up." Other rumors included mass alien abduction, an eggnog-induced "lost yuletide" and government action. The latter drew more speculation when John Ashcroft attempted to explain the disappearance as being due to "an electron shortage."
A spokesman for the released pseudo-journalists, staff writer Aloysius G. Fakesaint said "Wurlitzer spontaneous elaboration of peppermils, tragically redolent totemic animals and two meals a day."
His remarks were then revised by "Toothgrinding" Trobriand, Copy Editor, book-maker, and horse doctor on the staff. "What A.G. meant to say was that we are glad that the government recognized its error; we reiterate that we have no connections to terrorism since we fired that copy-boy Lemuel Bin Laden. As part of our agreement with the Justice Department for our release, we have agreed not to sue the government for false imprisonment, physical and mental abuse, the death of staff typist Mumkin, who shouldn't have called that PFC guard a 'nancy boy', and loss of income or damage to reputation."
A senior official at the White House insisted that the arrests had not been part of an effort to silence dissent and satire in the United States, and attributed the arrests to a simple confusion between the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA), whose members are being "rounded up and shot," and the Internet Satirical Newspaper Association (ISNA), whose status is "pending." Another senior official, making vigorous use of finger quotes and winks, denied that members of either ISNA were being rounded up or shot "as such."
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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