To: The Dean
From:Agent Sparky
When you hired me to clear up certain problem areas at Muskrat Law, you asked me to file periodic reports on my progress.   I have chosen to post this in the Muskrat's Advocate to give you plausible deniability should our actions or their underlying concerns become public and because it is unlikely to be read by anybody in this forum.; First, I want to say that the entering 1L class looks like a fine, upstanding bunch of young men and women.  Not an arsonist or grave-robber among them, thank God, at least according the National Criminal Data Bank.   I think that little talk we had with the admissions people really paid off in terms of them not accepting applications with federal prison return addresses,ones written in goat or pig blood, and ones that began with 'Hail, Satan!'
This seriously reduces the chances we'll need to perform another 'midnight flunking' exercise, which I know you want to avoid. Trust me, I appreciate the back pain that can come from shoveling that much dirt. The only way to avoid it, I have found, is lots and lots of practice.
To be on the safe side I have been observing the newbies this first week.They seem docile enough. I think the emphasis during orientation on dealing with academic stress left them suitably cowed, although it says little for their intelligence that they could be stressed about grades at a school with a virtually zero rate of academic attrition. This docility seemed to carry over into the 'Dedicated to our Neighbors' day, in which looting and vandalism by the participants was down significantly from last year. In many cases, the project areas actually looked better after the students left. Our decision not to serve the alcohol until after the projects finished also seriously reduced those embarrassing misunderstandings that can too often provide the local papers with material.  Last year's mis-reading of the title of the 'Habitat for Humanity' project, and subsequent burst of activity during which thirty feet of tubular 'Habitrail for Humanity' was constructed is a case in point.
The activities fair, by which we meant to provide further grout in the few gaps remaining in the potential offender's time, did not go as smoothly as we had hoped. Many of the presentations were lackluster, and the presence of the entire leather-clad 'Future Felons of America' chapter and the live Puma at the PETA table kept many people away. I realize that FFA actively recruits law students, for obvious reasons, but we need in the future to keep the event limited to people affiliated with the school. The shoving match between the Death Penalty Action Network people and the Innocence Project was thankfully short-lived when they both realized nobody believed they were ever going to throw a punch. The 'Slip and Fall' society and the Guilt Project (AKA the Federalist Society) had the most professional-looking presentations, but we need to stop the former from greasing the hallway floors.
I did want to talk to you about the parking situation, though. Not only is the issue one that students are finding common cause in, the incentive to car pool provides dangerous ground for people to begin associating outside of class and discussing their common concerns. This is exactly the kind of thing that leads to the all-too-familiar spectacle of the angry, torch-wielding mob outside your door. My predecessors worked long and hard to ensure the local real estate market scattered Law Students as widely as possible to keep any center of gravity from forming and acting as a nucleus for dissent. Encouraging car pooling undermines all those years of effort.  Remember:  the students outnumber us.   If they organize, work together, and - worst of all - acquire weapons of some sort, we are doomed.
Realizing that, I have rigged the car pool lottery to ensure that only the most contentious and irritating people will actually share rides, using as a model the 'group home' paradigm that the CIA used to fragment and degrade undergraduate political movements - put the arguers together, limit the number of bathrooms (or in our case, make them fight over radio stations), and pretty soon all their energy is turned against each other, leaving the military-industrial complex (here: the law firms) to pick up the emotionally shattered pieces and slot them into their corporate hellholes. I think the 1980s are proof enough of the efficacy of this plan. But please let's not have any more slipups.
In short, I think we are off on a good start towards your stated goal of moving Muskrat Law off the front page of the National Enquirer and back to the U.S. News Top Ten. Success will, however, require constant vigilance, plus intermittent bribery, sporadic but spectacular bursts of violence, and pretty much omnipresent profanity. Goddamit, I'm looking forward to it.