The following real State Department Update:

This Travel Warning replaces the Travel Warning of February 7, 2003.

It is being issued to alert American citizens that following the temporary closure of the U.S. Interests Section at the Embassy of the Republic of Poland in Baghdad, other embassies and consulates have also suspended operations in Iraq, further limiting any assistance to Americans. No consular services are available to U.S. citizens at this time in Iraq

Makes one wonder what the subsequent announcements will look like.

2/20/03

The U.S. denies the discontinuance of consular services through the Polish embassy had anything to do with the quality of those services, although we note reports of citizens being refused service because they "don't look like" upside-down passport pictures, as well as prisoners being brought cakes with nail files and "get out of jail free" cards baked into them.

In any case, we have rectified the situation by arranging with the Republic of Nigeria to handle consular matters for U.S. citizens in Iraq.

2/21/03

The U.S. Government regrets that the Republic of Nigeria has not provided the quality of consular services we would have hoped.  However, before any lawsuits are filed, note we have warned travelers about business fraud schemes in Nigeria (http://travel.state.gov/tips_nigeria.html).  Frankly, you should have known that getting a passport renewed should not require $10,000 in small bills and travel to Lagos.

We hope the substitution of the State of Israel will correct these problems.

2/22/03

Our bad.  We forgot there was no Israeli embassy in Baghdad. Our consular affairs staff do not always get out much, and frankly they are a little more divorced from the daily give-and-take of larger diplomatic matters than should be the case.  We're working hard to rectify that internally, and in the meantime, the Arab Republic of Yemen will be representing U.S. Consular interests in Iraq. We have called them, and they assure us they do have a functioning embassy in Baghdad.

2/23/03

Well, are our faces red.  Sure, we knew from our own web site that "Well-armed and independent tribesmen with grievances against the Yemeni government have a well-established history of kidnapping foreigners." (http://travel.state.gov/yemen.html) See, we just assumed that that kind of behavior was confined to Yemen itself; we were as shocked as Mr. Henry Jimmerson of Paducah, KY, when it turned out to be a regular practice of Yemen's embassy staff.  Needless to say we're working on getting Mr. Jimmerson back in as small a number of pieces as possible. In the meantime, we have made arrangements for the Swiss to cover our consular duties in Baghdad.

2/24/03

OK, we don't think this one was our fault.  The Swiss clearly should have told us that they had already subcontracted their diplomatic representation in Baghdad to the Yemenis. The bad news is that obviously we did not get the level of professionalism we had hoped for inconsular representation.  The good news is that Mr. Walter Peacoat of Kimmit, RI, reports that Mr. Jimmerson is alive and well and that the captors are offering 50% off the second ransom.

To avoid future problems, we have made arrangements for our consular services in Baghdad to be handled by the French.

2/25/03

Bastards.   Should have expected that.  Still, they are a NATO ally, at least until Tuesday.  Stay Tuned

2/26/03

We are pleased to announce the resumption of full consular services for United States citizens in the Baghdad consular district.  The United States Central Command has graciously agreed to provide any needed services via Predator Drone, and asks only that requests for services by painted on the ground or on rooftops in letters no less than eight inches in height, discernable in both the visible and near-infra-red bands.

2/27/03

We probably should have made clear that only requests for consular services such as passport renewal, consular reports of births abroad, and tax forms would be fulfilled via Predator.  Complaints about our service, especially when expressed in the form of a request to "F*** Washington": although clearly heartfelt, are also clearly begging the launch of a volley of Hellfire missiles.  As such, we do not blame PFC Kwalkowski, nor will we be entertaining any claims from the estate of Mr. Snodgrass.