| U.S.-Russian Space Trio OK After Off-Target Return Sun May 4, 200311:06 AM ET |
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| By Shavkat Rakhmatulaev | ||||||||
| ASTANA, Kazakhstan (Reuters) - A U.S.-Russian crew stranded in space by the shuttle tragedy were found alive and well on Sunday after losing radio contact on re-entry and landing 300 miles off target in the steppes of Kazakhstan. | ||||||||
| When they were finally brought back to Earth in a Russian Soyuz module they were out of contact and so far off target they had to wait over two hours to be located by anxious rescuers scouring the Central Asian steppes in planes and helicopters. | ||||||||
| "Boy, are our faces red," said Russian astronaut Nikolai Budarin. "Sorry to have made you come all the way out here, and we're really sorry our mix-up prevented anyone form actually filming or watching the re-entry." American astronaut Ken Bowersox added "It's great to be back here on Earth. You miss so much when you?re up in space. I missed my last birthday. I'm a Capricorn, you know." Bowersox appeared to have something in his eye at this point, as was winking furiously. | ||||||||
| The capsule itself appeared to be whole and unharmed, although there was a smoking crater a few hundred yards away. Bowersox and the others appeared to be an inch or so taller than when they left Earth, a condition common in astronauts who have lived for extended periods in microgravity. Less obviously explained, however was the fact that Bowersox's fellow American astronaut, Donald Pettit, went into space an African-American and came back as an Oriental-American. When asked about the change, a Russian Space agency official said "Boy, you reporters ask the goofiest questions. First those telemetry discrepancies, now this." Asked what telemetry frequencies he was referring to, the official frantically signaled for a security guard. | ||||||||
| Reporter arrested for developing WMD Sun May 4, 2003 12:54 PM ET |
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| By Bob Smith | ||||||||
| Reuters reporter Shavkat Rakhmatulaev was detained today by authorities on suspicion of being a part of Saddam Hussein?s program to develop weapons of mass destruction, assisting AL-Qaeda, spreading SARS, and "extreme littering." He is being held without access to a lawyer or the media. His former employers wish to apologize for his unacceptable behavior, including his wildly inaccurate reporting on questions that nobody ever asked about the alleged irregularities in the return of the Soyuz to Earth. | ||||||||
| Seventy-Six Words of Explanation: Each piece starts with a line or two from an actual news item from an actual, usually reputable, news organization, which I attempt to cite properly. That part is in bold. The rest is the way the piece would have run if the world had been more like the inside of my head. It is not the fault of the news organization cited; please do not blame them. Blame me. Go ahead. | ||||||||