Difficile est satiram non scribere.
(It is difficult not to write satire.)
--Juvenal
Top Military Research Lab Part of Worldwide Search for SARS Cure
Sgt. 1st Class Doug Sample
American Forces Press Service
WASHINGTON, May 29 2003 - The military has joined a worldwide effort to find a cure for the sometimes deadly SARS virus.
At the request of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, a small team of scientists at the U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases, Ft. Detrick, Md., has trained its microscopes on severe acute respiratory syndrome.
"This [research] does in fact fit into our overall mission in that although we have not had an outbreak in the military yet, if we were operating in an area where the SARS virus was in fact transmitting, this would be a significant military problem," said John Huggins.
Asked how such an outbreak might occur, Huggins' assistant, Dr. Igor Igorochensky replied, "well, hypothetically, somebody might disperse the virus in the form of a water-soluble powder in the 50-100 micrometer diameter range, sprayed at a rate of one liter of dispersant per minute of flight time for the unmanned drone doing the releasing at an altitude of between 700 and 900 meters above terrain. Hypothetically." Asked if this suggested that the USAMRIID had in fact done at least theoretical studies in the use of such agents offensively, Igor denied it. "We here at the Department of Antidotes would never do such a thing. Hypothetically, if anyone did it, it would Department 5-L. If there were a Department 5-L." When asked about these statement, Lab spokesman Tenebrae L. Ossifer replied. "Dr. Igor is a great practical joker, and we expect that he will have left a suicide note explaining this whole matter by the time police find his body. Oh, and we mourn his passing."
(Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product. The rest is the fakey part.)