Line of the Day

November 17, 2006

Former Michigan Coach Schembechler Dies on Day Before Big Game

Bo Schembechler, the widely beloved former University of Michigan football coach died today, the day before the annual Ohio State-Michigan football game the the helped turn into a storied rivalry when he coached Michigan against his own mentor Woody Hays' Ohio State Buckeyes.  The one flaw in Schembechler's career was that he had never coached Michigan to a national title, a goal that some see Michigan attaining this year, especially if they can win the Big Game tomorrow.

Government officials have taken what they term "appropriate precautions."  The Department of Homeland Security has raised the alert level for sentimentalism from Chartreuse (Elevated - "Drunks at tailgate parties likely to overstate degree of attachment to team's fortunes") to Indigo (Extreme - "Sports Broadcaster likely to choke up on air over death of man they never met.")

The National Weather Service has issued a flash weeping fit alert, warning that residents of low-lying ego spaces such as undergraduates, and anyone who owns a Michigan-themed pillow or necktie, may be overwhelmed in the event of a Wolverine victory.

The Federal Adverb Board has announced that they are shipping emergency stocks of purple prose to Columbus, site of the game, in anticipation of heavy drawdown of existing stocks by sportswriters.

The Midwestern Branch of String Musicians for Uplift, an organization that provides sappy orchestral music, has been placed on high alert in anticipation of many badly orchestrated tribute films.  The local Guild of Slo-Motion and Misty-Focused Video Tribeauticians are reported to be in overtime already.

Asked how the government could be so proactive and forward looking in this case, when it notoriously failed to anticipate equally imminent and equally possible disasters such as Hurricane Katrina, the Occupation of Iraq, and the recent elections, a spokesman said "The president has a 56-inch plasma screen TV, and he doesn't use it to watch weather forecasts, or foreign policy debates on PBS.  He uses it to watch football."  As the spokesman finished, a FEMA press release arrived announcing the pre positioning of 50,000 giant foam fingers in Ann Arbor, and the U.S. Air Force was loading a flotilla of C-5 cargo plane with air-droppable tissues and hankies in case the sentiment got out of hand, and C-130s were loaded with cash in to cover the bar tabs that might erupt after a victory. 

The City of New Orleans is said to be looking for someone old, adorable, and sports-related who has a weak heart.