Melissa Riopka
News 12
Nov 25, 2004 5:32 PM EST
Each year, the National Association of State Public Interest Research Groups releases a report called "Trouble in Toyland." In the introduction to the on-line report, the group states, "Thousands of toys are on the market, each promising to educate or entertain our children. Unfortunately, not every toy is safe. Toy buyers can help protect children from injury by being careful, vigilant shoppers."
Potentially unsafe toys listed by the group include:
--Morbark Corporation 2400Xl “Hurricane” wood chipper. Sure, it fascinates kids when they see it on the street, crunching entire tree limbs into mulch with one ripping, roaring sound. Who wouldn’t like one of their own? And it sure would help when yard work season comes around. Nonetheless, this present poses significant hazards. The loud operating noise can impair hearing, and the 9,200 lb operating weight makes it a hassle to operate. Also, kids can fall in and be “chipped.”
--Jack Daniels. Everybody enjoys getting silly once in a while, but little kids, with their low body mass, become intoxicated more quickly than the rest of us. Over-use of this product can lead to difficulty in operating heavy machinery (see above) and significant impairment of decision-making skills, especially around closing time.
--Trophy wife. Do not be fooled. As much as the other members of the board brag about theirs, and as good as they looked at the Christmas party, the Trophy Wife can be a dangerous gift to receive. It can cause the onset of alimony and child support, and has a short half-life. Some are even known to have opinions and feelings of their own, which if you are not careful can lead to “buyer’s remorse.”
--Fire. Yes, life as we know it would be impossible without it. Yes, it provides warmth, allows us to cook food for safe consumption, and can be used to fend off packs of hungry wolves. Yes, it is pretty to look at. But it can cause burns, should not be operated when under the influence (see above) and is difficult to control once out of the kerosene-soaked gift box. Also, giving it as a gift may cause the Gods to punish you for eternity.
--Love. Despite being a perennial holiday favorite, this gift can cause acute embarrassment, social discomfort, and, if offered to in its carnal form to someone who is already married, underage, or who does not understand the instructions on the pill box, can lead to severe bodily injury, jail time, or a shotgun wedding. Be safe, do as Midwesterners do: Stand approximately eight feet away from the recipient and say “I respect and admire you in a socially appropriate way” while avoiding eye contact.
--U.S. Navy W-88 Thermonuclear Warhead. This product can cause severe burns, blindness, crushing injuries, emits lethal doses of radiation and can cause the user and his entire city to be evaporated. And that’s when it’s used properly. Even if not detonated, possession of this toy can lead to long-term risks of various disease caused by radiation leaks, and could lead to either UN/IAEA sanctions or an unscheduled visit from multiple 2,000 kg bunker-busting bombs.
--Antimatter. There are some people who absolutely must have the newest, the most high-tech, the most talked about gift of the year. These are the people who disdain the Sharper Image as being too ordinary. They would be thrilled to receive a gram of antimatter. Unfortunately, producing a single gram of antimatter would cost trillions of dollars, and is currently unfeasible. Also, if the magnetic containment system ever failed, the resulting explosion would be several times larger than that at Hiroshima, which would make a cleanup a mess.
Outraged responses to this story can be e-mailed to Webmaster@muskratnews.com
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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