By CARL HULSE, www.nytimnes.com
Published: November 18, 2004
WASHINGTON, Nov. 17 - Spurred by an investigation connected to the majority leader, House Republicans voted Wednesday to abandon an 11-year-old party rule that required a member of their leadership to step aside temporarily if indicted.
Meeting behind closed doors, the lawmakers agreed that a party steering committee would review any indictments handed up against the majority leader, Representative Tom DeLay of Texas, or any other members of the leadership team or committee chairmen, to determine if giving up a post was warranted. The revision does not change the requirement that leaders step down if convicted. [Republicans said] it had been necessary to prevent politically inspired criminal investigations by "crackpot" prosecutors from determining the fate of top Republicans.
WASHINGTON, Nov. 18 – House Republicans today voted to change their party rules to make clear that leaders who have been sued for child support, declaration of paternity, or been named as third parties in salacious divorce cases need not step down from leadership positions. “There are a lot of irresponsible people out there, and anybody can file a frivolous lawsuit. We don’t want some crackpot to determine the makeup of the Republican leadership” said one Congressman. The revision does not change the requirement that leaders step down if found liable for fathering children out of wedlock with their staff members.
WASHINGTON, Nov. 19 – Spurred by news reports of a recent videotape, Republican leaders today announced that they had changed their previous rule that any member of the leadership caught on camera while cavorting nude in the Tidal Basin with an underage intern or a stripper or hooker of any age be obliged to step down immediately. The revision does not change the requirement that leaders step down if they are if they are videotaped desecrating graves or visiting Paris.
WASHINGTON, Nov. 20 – Following the late-night blood-spattereed news conference of Representative Wongley (R-Confusion), Republican leaders today announced that they had changed their previous rule that any member of the leadership must step down if they are caught beating a hobo to death with an iron bar. “There are a lot of Hobos out there,” said one Republican, “and some are very aggressive. How do we know this wasn’t self-defense?” The revision does not change the requirement that leaders step down if they are actually convicted of homicide.
WASHINGTON, Nov. 21 – Confusion over the scheduling for freshman Rep. Bill Swooshy (R-Denial) led to an overlap in the appointments of a news crew from hometown KJKL-TV and his first visit with the lobbyists from Big Oil. As a result, Republican leaders today announced that they had changed their previous rule that any member of the leadership whose receipt of sexual favors from lobbyists is broadcast live in a major media market must step down. The revision does not change the requirement that leaders step down if the favors in question were “less than completely heterosexual.”
WASHINGTON, Nov. 22 – Republican leaders today announced that they had changed their previous rule that any member of the leadership who burns a cross on the floor of the House and reads excerpts from “Mein Kampf” into the Congressional Record be obliged to step down immediately. The revision does not change the requirement that leaders step down if they actually damage House property or if the burning cross sets off the sprinkler system.
WASHINGTON, Nov. 23 – Visibly frustrated, Republican leaders today announced that they had changed their previous rule that any member of the leadership who “habitually engages in sodomy, tax-hiking or other unclean acts” be forced to step down immediately. Without going into details, the leadership explained that a recent reading of the dictionary had necessitated a change in the rule. The revision does not change the requirement that leaders step down if they engage in fossicking.
WASHINGTON, Nov. 24 – Republican leaders today announced that “Fossicking” means “searching for minerals or gems, especially in abandoned mine workings,” and was, in fact, permissible. “That dictionary is really changing the way we do things here,” said one Republican. “Now, if you ‘ll excuse me, I have some staff applicant’s resumes to review. I wonder what an Ecdysiast does?”
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