Thurgood Barnstable McWHoop III, Editor in Chief of the Muskrat News, today conceded in his race to be named Emperor of the East Coast and Czar of All the Carolinas. He issued the following statement:
I am here to concede the race to my opponent. Well, one of my opponents. Not the other guy who lost, clearly. They guy who won. Or, rather, “won” according to the hyper-reliable voting machines of the Soylent corporation. You can’t argue with a 123%-1% margin of victory. Not if you know what’s good for you.
Winning isn’t everything. I like to think that my campaign helped foster debate on some important issues. We can now have a serious discussion about legalizing marijuana, or at least identifying where it can be purchased, due to my high-profile inquiry into that subject. My call for combining Social Security eligibility with a renewed draft makes sense on so many levels that I am amazed it has not yet been adopted: Higher casualties = lower payouts! Combine VA and Medicare! Future historians will see me as prescient if not prophetic. But the voters rejected me in favor of a man whose entire debate performance consisted of the line “Officer, this man is trespassing; please arrest him.” With voters like these, I fear for our nation.
Sure, mistakes were made. It was a bad idea to entrust my get out the vote efforts to local homeless person Angry Pete. His “army of door-knockers” turned out to be largely imaginary, and his assurance that I had the Leprechaun vote “locked up” was, in retrospect, not encouraging. Pete himself is still waiting to vote until the Leprechauns tell him the time is right. But my funding problems demanded I cut corners, and Pete was willing to work for day-old bread. Also, my decision to affiliate myself with the Bull Moose Party was not the free pass to ballot placement that I had thought it would be. And of course, as the police explained to me, my attempt to take P. Diddy’s “Vote or Die” message to individual voters was inappropriate when done via anonymous late-night phone calls.
I also made some tactical mistakes in terms of the positions I took. I still believe that distributing free condoms and clean needles are good public health measures which can save lives. However, advocating the distribution of free lubricant, vibrators, and amyl nitrate capsules to high schoolers was probably too much for the voters.
I take responsibility for that, but I think it is clear that certain GOP operatives were behind the rumor that I favored the legalization of marriage between people and sock puppets. People who know my voting record know that, while I think people ought to be allowed to date articles of clothing (or, as my slogan had it, “Keep Government out of our sock drawers!”), that marriage is only for hopeless, boring human losers.
As further evidence that the Republican attack machine had been geared up to slime me, I can only cite the recent whispering campaign that has been going around. I cannot even mention the allegations, lest I lend them credence. All I can say is that the only way Karl Rove could have known what happened that night in Lubbock would have been if he had been driving the ’67 Chevy Monza getaway car and it had been his shovel and gunnysack that we used.
I enjoyed meeting the voters when I was out campaigning, but please remember that the campaign is over, and I no longer wish to speak to you. I spent a fortune on hand sanitizer during the past few weeks, and I no longer wish to tempt fate. So my refusal to shake hands or even to lower my surgical mask in public is not personal. Please go away, until I run for office again.
Outraged responses to this story can be e-mailed to Webmaster@muskratnews.com
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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