WASHINGTON – (AP) Federal judges are jeopardizing national security by issuing rulings contradictory to President Bush's decisions on America's obligations under international treaties and agreements, Attorney General John Ashcroft said yesterday.
"The danger I see here is that intrusive judicial oversight and second-guessing of presidential determinations in these critical areas can put at risk the very security of our nation in a time of war," Ashcroft said in a speech to the Federalist Society, a conservative lawyers group.
…Ashcroft [also] criticized rulings he said found "expansive private rights in treaties where they never existed" that run counter to the broad discretionary powers given the president by the Constitution.
Now, we know what you’re thinking: that this newspaper is going to make fun of this good man for crapping all over our justice system. But you are wrong. In light of the recent election results, Muskrat news has re-examined its editorial policies and discovered the appeal of knee-jerk conservatism in a regulatory environment where newspapers are sure to be corralled under the Elmer Gantries at FCC sooner rather than later.
As our first example of the new policy we want to offer a hearty “megadittoes” to the Attorney-General’s statements. The judges in question are treating America’s treaty obligations to the countries as if they were obligations to individuals, which is just wrong. If America is “violating” the Geneva Convention, or the 1984 UN Torture Treaty, then the remedy, if any is appropriate, is due to the other parties to the treaty – not to individuals. If The UN wants to complain, let them do so, and we will listen carefully. But for individuals to contort this international obligation into a get-out-of-Guantanamo-Free card is simply wrong, and any judge that allows it should be impeached.
What the heck, they should all be impeached. When a new president is elected, all of his cabinet officers resign to give him a free hand in shaping policy, so we don’t see why all federal judges shouldn’t do the same. At the same time, we remind our readers that all defense lawyers are terrorist-aiding scumbags who should properly be under detention themselves.
Now, you’re undoubtedly thinking that a system with no judges and no defense lawyers would be an unbalanced one. That is because you haven’t been paying attention. All that crack smoking has impaired your ability to concentrate, no doubt. So we’ll make this clear. Prosecutors are no better than defenders. Attorney-General Ashcroft has struggled since his anointment with the so-called “career” prosecutors in the Justice Department, who pretend to be doing his will, but then turn around and do things like refuse to seek the Death Penalty in all available cases, or accept plea bargains that let vicious criminals out on the street after puny 25-30 year sentences.
No, he sees through their perfidy. And he hears them snickering in the halls about his having taught at Southwestern Missouri State. They scorn him! No, they are not be trusted.
Who’s left? Juries? Jest not, infidel! Juries are the reason we have runaway malpractice and negligence claims. Juries are the ones who award millions of dollars to plaintiffs for such meretricious claims as “burned by hot coffee” and “lungs shattered from 30 years of breathing asbestos.” No, the uneducated masses who hand out gigantic payoffs with such abandon are not be trusted to safeguard America.
Who’s left, you ask? Certainly not the court reporters or the bailiffs. Overpaid, overfed civil servants, they waddle and doze their way through a 7.999 hour day while doing the bare minimum amount of work, literally napping while enemies foreign and domestic burrow away at the foundations of our society. No. Police? Hardly. Crippled by years of reliance on “warrants” and “probable cause,” these donut-hounds have lost all sense of initiative. The military police are busy overseas, and private security firms are ill-equipped to handle anything more than mall shoplifting.
That leaves only group of people who can mete out justice in America today. Lucky for us they can do so all on their own, handling every step of the new, more efficient criminal justice process, saving enormous amounts of time and money and ensuring swift, sure and efficient justice to evildoers: the executioners.
Outraged responses to this story can be e-mailed to Webmaster@muskratnews.com
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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