Apply Current, Boost Brain Power
Sending a weak electrical impulse through the front of a person's head can boost verbal skills by as much as 20 percent, according to a new study by the U.S. National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke.
The only side effect reported was an itching or "fizzing" sensation around the scalp where the electrode was attached.
"This could be a very helpful way of boosting brain function in people with brain disorders," said lead researcher Eric Wassermann, a neurobiologist with the National Institute's Brain Stimulation Unit in Bethesda, Maryland.
The news was received enthusiastically in some quarters. "Oh, yeah!" enthused Army Captain Oddly T. Amor. "We've been tinkering with a similar idea for some time. We had some people with memory problems. They couldn't remember whether they belonged to al-Qaerda, or who their co-conspirators were, or where certain items were hidden. We found that applying a small electric current to parts of their bodies significantly increased their ability to recall these things. But we used more current than those science geeks. More like, say 125 volts. And not to the scalp, either."
The scientists were sceptical of the army's results. "First off, it's not clear to us by what physiological mechanism this technique would work," said Dr. Wasserman. "Our hypothesis was that a small current to the forehead changed the electrochemical environment in the frontal lobe, which is associated with memory and speech, and that those changes somehow facilitated brain function. But the army seems to be sending the current through people's uh… this can't be right… they're sending 125 volts through people's genitals? How would that improve brain function?"
"Well, it does is all I can say," said Captain Amor, speaking from his office in Iraq. "Once we get the generator cranked up good, people start to remember all sorts of things they couldn't before. And their verbal abilities? Man! Sometimes they can even speak new languages." Asked how such a change would result, the Cpatain seemed at a loss, then said "Well, I've been told that I think with my little Captain all the time. Maybe Not all you thinkin's is done up top, know what I mean?"
Dr. Wasserman turned pale when told this, and suggested that the Army technique may be apocryphal. "Do you have any idea how much pain that would cause? We had to get people to sign a mountain of paperwork before we could proceed, and the only sensation we induce is a slight itching. Do you have any idea how many procedural hoops you'd have to jump through to get permission for…" he gulped "THAT?"
Captain Amor expliaend that the Army had used "expedited" procedures for obtaining clearance. "Look around - you see any paperwork?" He gestured around the bare cement room in which he sat on a folding chair. "Heck, we don't even write people's names down. No fuss, no muss, no Danged Red Cross stuff. Muuuuuch easier this way. Them civilian doctors ought to come down here and we'd show them how to run a tight ship."
Dr. Wasserman declined, saying "It's pronounced 'Wasserman,' not 'Mengele'."
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