From - Colin Powell, Secretary of State
To - George W. Bush, President
With this letter I hereby resign my position as Secretary of State. The last four years have been turbulent times, and I am proud to have served alongside you. Although, as will be noted in my copiously footnoted memoirs, I disagreed with each and every foreign policy decision you ever made, I feel proud to have served alongside a man who (Armitage: Have my staff put some complimentary crap in here.)
I have left they keys to the building under my desk blotter. I believe I have left the Department in better condition than I found it, and am hereby requesting my security deposit back. The marble in the third floor hallway was cracked when I moved in, and I have the check-in sheet to prove it. Also, I do not believe I should be charged for the condition of our European relations. I performed as much preventive maintenance as possible, but there is such a thing as normal wear and tear. It's hard when you have to keep delivering talking points at NATO HQ asking the alliance to "listen to Jesus." As I have explained repeatedly, Jesus does not attend NATO functions, except metaphorically. As I have also explained, this does not make NATO a "godless bunch of heathens."
On the topic of heathens, the Great Seal of the United States is in its storage cabinet downstairs. I never got around to adding the blazing cross or the crown of thorns to the design on the seal. I suppose now is as good a time as any to admit that it was not in fact my "lack of metalworking skills" that caused the delay. I just did not feel it was appropriate, given the first amendment's ban on establishment of religion. I know you and Attorney-General Ashcroft disagree, but I have checked with several real lawyers, and feel pretty sure about this.
Per civil service regulations, please refund my 800 unused hours of annual leave in the form of cash. I have accounted for my office supplies, and cleaned my dirty laundry out of the trunk of the State-mobile. I will return my building pass and the cypto key to my STU-III secure phone to my security officer. I am also returning my nickname. I can now say that I never cared for "Mochachino" Yes, I know I have light skin for an African-American. You mentioned it in every meeting we ever had. I still don't think it is funny.
Speaking of which, I know Condi will never tell you this, but she doesn't like being called "Blackiavelli." She loves you with a fierce passion that cannot speak its name, but still, it just bugs her. She wants you to call her "Candy." And to divorce Laura, but I've told her that's not going to happen. Still.
Finally, please remember to feed the foreign service and civil service staff. They are quite loyal, and I cannot explain why they growl whenever you come around. Still, they need their exercise. Best of luck on your continued blunders.
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Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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