"So today I want to speak to every person who voted for my opponent.
"To make this nation stronger and better, I will need your support and I will work to earn it. I will do all I can do to deserve your trust.
"A new term is a new opportunity to reach out to the whole nation."
Asked for examples of how exactly he will "work to earn" the support of Kerry Supporters, the President suggested that their tracking collars might be made a little looser, and that their time in the exercise yard might be increased to forty-five minutes a day.
Democrats remain worried, however. "Man, oh man," said one nervous blue-state voter. "He's always talking about his support for the Iraqi people, which seems to be mean dropping 500-pound bombs on them. So now he wants our 'support'? What does that mean? He doesn't want us to drop 500-pound bombs on him, does he? I mean, that … no, that would be wrong. Besides, I don't have any 500-pound bombs. I do have probably 500 pounds of old National Geographic magazines in the basement. Would that do? Can't I just impose sanction on him instead?"
Desperate for solace, many blue-state voters were amusing themselves with the irony that Bush, seeking and having laid claim to a mandate, managed to do so by scaring large numbers of rural voters with stories of "man dates" involving other men. Asked to comment, a White House aide said "Helloooo?? 51% of America rejected irony. So chuckle away, minority-boy."
ALSO
SURPRISE GUEST COLUMNIST
(An Anonymous State Department Official wrote the following):
Top Ten Reasons a Bush Second Term Has Its Advantages for the State Department
10. easy-to-write transition team papers say: "ditto"
9. continued bad relations means you're invited to fewer boring embassy functions
8. fewer new schedule Cs to babysit
7. no workload increases in treaty negotiations
6. all those mid-East experts idle from the Palestinian-Israeli deadlock available for tours in Iraq
5. National Security Strategy's preemptive doctrine doesn't require any revisions or pesky clearance processes
4. another chance to figure out our public diplomacy strategy
3. contracting out more functions means fewer people in line at the cafeteria
2. more opportunities to learn arabic, farsi, and korean
...and the number one advantage...
1. we already know how to bend over to the Pentagon
(translation from Bureaucrat-ese to English available, but it just spoils the humor.)
Outraged responses to this story can be e-mailed to Webmaster@muskratnews.com
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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