Today is election day. If you're a good little citizen you will have already voted. If you're the typical slack-jawed ignoramus-American, you probably can't get your hands out of the Cheetos bag long enough to pick you leaders, but that's your problem. Oh, wait - it's ours too. Crap.
Anyway, in today's world of immediate gratification, many of you will be stunned and saddened to know that the winner of the presidential election will not be announced on the evening news. In order to maintain the fiction that the votes are being counted and tabulated, networks refrain from "calling" individual states -- and thus the race as a whole - until the polls close in each state.
But of course they know. They know who won each state from exit polling. They know as soon as significant chunk of the vote has been cast - as soon as the middle of the day, if the trends are clear.
So how can you, Joe Q. Oblivious, Average (i.e., mediocre) Citizen, figure out what the networks won't tell you? Easy. Just watch closely.
Signs Kerry is winning include the use of the following words/phrases by newscasters:
-- "Well, that's a complicated issue that merits serious thought."
--"This election has a certain je ne sais quoi this year."
--"The Red Sox made me proud to be an American."
--"Oneyhay, easeplay ellsay e-thay alliburtonhay ockstay"
Other signs Kerry is winning:
--Karl Rove trapped in bell tower by angry peasants
--Whenever networks show a picture of Dick Cheney, they say "What an asshole."
--Fox News shows blank screen, plays funeral music.
--Pollster calls to ask what color tie Kerry should wear in victory speech.
Words or phrases that might indicate a Bush victory:
--"Praise Jesus,We'll be bringing you full election coverage."
--"Terrorists have attempted to register many Negro voters illegally."
--"America is praying for leadership tonight."
--"Dick Cheney electrified crowds at his last rally with his magnetic personality."
Other signs a Bush victory may be imminent:
--You experience nauseau, vomiting, and abdominal cramps. (May also be sign of bad oysters.)
--Instead of doing electoral college math with whiteboard, Tim Russert just puts head on desk and sobs.
--You get a phone call from draft board asking if you've been keeping fit.
--News anchor has what looks like Canadair boarding pass poking out of lapel pocket.
Outraged responses to this story can be e-mailed to Webmaster@muskratnews.com
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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